a ? merry christmas...

so, my sister isn’t talking to me.

more specifically, she wrote an email detailing my faults and then closed it with the proclamation that she would not answer any calls from me, nor would she open any emails from me.

the email was hurtful.  she brought up my relationships with family members who are long dead and buried.  she made heady accusations and then left absolutely no room for me to defend myself, or even to own up to the partial truths that were buried in her spiteful words.

her email has haunted me since it arrived.  i have cried oceans of tears.  i have had many a sleepless night.  it is obvious from her tone that i have hurt her.  that is horrible.  i am grieved that i hurt her so.  the kicker is that i didn’t even know i hurt her.  until the email.

apparently there were expectations placed upon me.  ones i didn’t know about.  ones that changed up how our relationship had always been.  and no one let me in on the upgrade.  and when i didn’t meet those expectations, the volcano erupted and covered me in a sea of hot lava.  it burns.

and now?  now i have to go play nice at the Christmas family gathering on tuesday.  pretend like all is well.  because, of course, she will be there.  just thinking about it ties me into knots.  i have had a constant headache since the email arrived.  my sleep is fitful.  my waking mind has spent hours on responding, if i even get the chance. 

and only a few of the 100 or so scenarios i a have concocted in my head are a chrisitan response. 

i think that is what bothers me most.  that i cannot just let this go. that i cannot extend to her the grace and mercy that has been extended to me through Jesus’ death on the cross.  that i am unable to fix my mind on the things of God.  on what is good, pure, noble, admirable.  on Jesus. 

would you please pray for me?  i am struggling so much with how i am to act and feel.  i am hurting so much and i am afraid that i will speak with anger and hurt instead of words of grace.  she is not a believer.  she does not know what true mercy is.  if i could be a witness for Jesus that would be my desire. 

fading dream

i would like to be able to write that all is well

to have a cheery post, full of laughter and sunshine and delicious meals.

tales that my homeschooling is on track

that i have abundant energy

that i have conquered my habit of yelling at my children

that i have it all figured out.

but i don’t.

i cannot come here and write that all is well.

to put a name to it, to call it out, to focus on what it is, is so painful and frightening.

to finally acknowledge it for what it is.

to stop faking it.

to admit that my days are so far from even adequate.

that i cannot remember to wash my children’s clothes, or put things out for dinner,  or have the children brush their teeth in the morning, take my library books back in time.

does this seem trivial? am i just whining?  do i just need to put on my ‘big girl panties’ and do?

i never thought i would be in this fog.

i feel like i have had a wonderful dream.  the kind where i wake up and it is so wonderful that i immediately try to fall asleep again to get back into it. 

but i can’t. it is there... just out of reach.  and no matter how hard i try, i cannot get back to it.

and now it is fading.  i cannot even remember what was so good about it. 

why did i want to go back in? 

elusive.

horrifying.

depression.

do i dare??

welcome!  this is my attempt at getting back into the blogging world.  a BOY  mom blog hop!  what better way than an introduction to a bunch of new blogs where i can learn, laugh and commiserate? 

this little, unattended blog is about my life as a mom.  as a wife.  as a daughter of the King of Kings.  a homeschooling mom. an ER nurse. all the dirty, nitty gritty details.  the pains and the laughs.  at least, that is what i want it to be about.

i have four children.  TicTac is 9, my firstborn son.  he loves to learn, as long as it is a subject he chooses (i.e. not math). he is eager to make people laugh, although that is not where his gifting lies.  so he is incredibly envious of his younger brother, #2 Bonobo who is 7.  this one... he can make a rock laugh.  he is super silly.  he likes to torture his younger sister, Stinkerbell who is 5.  she is my only girl... poor thing!  she had to give up her spot as the baby when our third boy showed up (thank you DTV). number 3 boy is the Moose!  named for how big he was on his entry (he actually broke his clavicle on the way out) and now it is apt to liken him to the bull moose in a china shop.  he likes to destroy.  

let’s see... games my boys love.  well.  they can turn any animal, vegetable or mineral into something explosive.  they will also turn games like chutes and ladders into war games.  so i am not sure i am qualified to weigh in on this one... they do like playing Monopoly Deal (card game) and Angry Birds, of course.

what else is there to tell you about me and the family?  i have been married for almost 13 years.  my hubby, aka the KISA, is my best partner in crime.  he pitches in when i am at work, and lets me sleep in when i work a mid or night shift.  he does kids baths, cleans toilets and mops kitchen floors (don’t hate me).  he also treats me with respect and loves me even when i don’t deserve it.  i am blessed beyond belief. 

my day is full of the small stuff like laundry, bloody knees, sibling rivalry and the like.  i dream of being the mom who never yells, the wife who always has a hot meal ready and the FlyLady shining sink, and the RN who never loses her cool.  but i am not.  i am an imperfect, human with SIN abounding.  i yell.  i lose my patience.  i have arguments with my husband in my head over stupid little things and then lay into him when he comes home.  there is at least 3 piles of unwashed laundry in the basement.  and 3 more that need to be folded.  i am me.  i think i avoid blogging because i am afraid i will compare myself to others and then be sorely disappointed. 

but... here goes.  another try.  will the blogosphere be forgiving??  we shall see... will i just accept who i am and where i am and be content?  sure hope so.  maybe you will stick it out and see with me... if you have hung in this far, take a look around.  look at some old posts.  maybe you will find a kindred spirit.

for some reason, i cannot get the button to work!  so, if you want to go check out the other Moms in this great hop, go to the MOB Society and join in the fun!!

“I need help to throw up...”

it was 12:30 in the morning. 

i woke up to my oldest hovering over me...”mommy, i threw up.”

to be honest, my first thoughts were not about his well being. they were about where he threw up so i would know what i needed to clean it up.

selfish, i know.

turns out he managed to get it on the floor, and the bed was spared.

i head downstairs with him and plop him on the couch with a blanket while i arm myself with cleaner, towels, a spatula (very convenient for lifting vomit off the carpet...you’re welcome) and a bucket.  a very large mess awaited me.  took me a while to clean it up.

in the meantime, he is moaning on the couch.

finally, i can focus on him and his needs.  we decide he can sleep in his room, as long as he has a bucket handy.  i head upstairs to wake up dad and tell him i will be sleeping on the couch downstairs to be close by.

turns out, it was a good thing.  he threw up every 15 minutes for the next several hours.  we fell asleep around 5am.  with everyone else in the house getting up at 6, it didn’t leave me much opportunity to sleep.  he continued to throw up after that for another hour or so. 

one thing struck me later on. he kept calling for me to “help me throw up.”

what??

i can’t help him throw up.

it isn’t as if he needs me to hold the bucket or hold hair out of the way (remember when? i wasn’t always a good girl...)

but he wanted me... his mother... to be with him.  to wipe his mouth.  to rub his back. to be near.

to be honest, i have been failing at this more often than not. it is why i have been avoiding writing or sharing with others about my truly personal life.  i have been quite absent. 

oh, i am here physically.  on the computer or kindle fire or facebook.  doing tasks like making dinner and laundry and cleaning.  yelling at them to do what they are told.

not here for them.  what they need is me, close by, involved with their play, their interests, their failures. 

and they need me to be a loving, grace-giving mommy who isn’t irritated all the time by being interrupted.

i am ashamed to write these words, because in doing so, i am reflecting on how much i have neglected my children (and my husband, to be honest) in being here, but not here. 

i am not quite sure how to “check back in” except to just become more intentional with spending time with them.  finding ways to include them in the little tasks that consume so much of me.  devoting more of me to their schooling than just breaking out a few workbooks for them to do. 

one day at a time.

i think sometimes i don’t do those things because i might (will probably) fail miserably.  and instead of letting them see that side of me, i give them the less attached version... how backwards is that??

Heavenly Father,

i know i am not living up to a godly example of a mom to my children. i have neglected my relationship with You, and it is spilling over into every aspect of my life.  the people i hold closest in this life, i am also holding at bay so i don’t fail in front of them.  in doing so, i am damaging relationships. please help me to restore my relationship with You, so that i can restore relationships with them.

a day without water...

my day starts the night before.  i have good intentions.

wake up at 6, before the kids, get some coffee, read my Bible.  maybe even do my CBS study so i don’t rush the night before to finish it.

but then the night is full of interruptions.  the baby wakes at midnight with a fever of 104.7.  motrin given, nurse him back to sleep, then try to get back to sleep. 

next it’s stinkerbell coughing so much she is throwing up.  albuterol treatment followed by 45 minutes or so of cuddle time because she is too wired to sleep.

next it is the dog wanting to go out.  i nudge the KISA, but the sleep is still interrupted.

6 am comes.... and goes.

now the kids are the ones to wake me up at about 7ish.  the KISA still is sleeping, and since he has to work, i don’t feel like i can nudge him again.  so i get up.

no coffee on board, and certainly no WORD to refresh me.   no quiet time.  and it is quite obvious that my day is gong to go badly.

it isn’t even 7:15 and i have yelled at everyone but the baby (who isn’t really a baby at 22 months).  and even he is pushing my buttons. 

this mom is irritated, and not showing much gratitude to the One who made the day.  cuz it just doesn’t look like that great of a day.

it progresses much the same.  children being, well, kids.  not really being bad or disobedient... just childish.  can’t handle it.  drink coffee, another cup.  but don’t feel like being nice to anyone.  don’t even realize how mean i am being until later in the day when i yell about how it shouldn’t be that hard to obey, for goodness’ sake! 

make dinner, with everyone in their perspective time out spots, because i just cannot handle them all together in the same room.  the noise is just too much. 

i end the night in front of the big one-eyed monster...the TV, because i just cannot get motivated to do any of the piles of laundry, let alone interact with my husband because, well, my irriatation with him is through the roof as well (and not any of it is his fault).

off to bed, waaaaay too late, feeling guilty about how the day went.  now throwing a pity party because i am such a failure as a wife and mom. 

and so the cycle goes.

i would like to say that the day described above doesn’t happen very often.  but, unfortunately, it is more the norm than a rarity. where the heck does it all go wrong?? what on earth am i doing, or NOT doing, that turns me into a 3 headed monster. 

it is the NOT doing that is getting me.  NOT spending time in the WORD on a daily basis is literally hardening my heart toward all things good.  NOT spending time praying (and those little “help me not kill this child” don’t really count as prayer time) and seeking HIS will for the day is setting me up for failure every time.  because i keep trying to go through my day on my own strength.

and my own strength is absolutely pathetic.  and every time i lean on my own understanding i misinterpret everything around me.  i blame others for irritating me, and don’t accept that maybe, just maybe, i am more irritated with me and just taking it out on them. 

i am thirsty.  and i need to drink from the living water, not the kitchen sink.  because one is merely sustaining, while the other is fulfilling.

i need to fill my well, not merely skim off the top of the rain water barrel.  so that when the rain hasn’t been around for a while, there is water down deep, a reserve to continue drinking from. 

how about you?  is there water in your well?  or are you in a drought?

Diary of Five

i am seeing.... the glare of the sun off the window in my dining room.  a welcomed brightness

i am hearing... my daughter doing a beading craft at the table. 

i am tasting... the aftertaste of coffee sweetened by vanilla chai spice creamer

i am smelling... not a whole lot.  my nose is stuffy.

i am feeling... the tenderness of my big toe as the sock and shoe i am wearing are rubbing it with every move of my feet.  it hurts...

Simple Woman’s Daybook #1

For Today, Sunday...

Outside my window...the snow that fell last night has already melted away.  i even saw a few people walking around in shorts!

I am thinking...about this morning’s sermon.  that believers are united in Christ.  pondering what that means.

I am thankful...for my KISA.  he is working hard to bring me home from work so that i can stay home with our children full time!

In the kitchen...is a crockpot full of velveeta cheese, rotel tomatoes, and jalapenos in preparation for the broncos/steelers game today.

I am wearing...jeans and a green/grey striped sweater.  also shoes, which i don’t usually do indoors, but i absolutely smashed my big toe last night, and it hurts to even be looked at!

I am creating...nothing much.  just trying to cultivate four little hearts into ones that love God, and that takes up the majority of my energy!

I am going...hopefully to watch the football game with some friends unless i get called in to the ER to work.

I am wondering...how on earth i am going to get everything done that i need to this week.

I am reading...don’t have any open books right now.  just finished Inheritance.

I am hoping...i know it is shallow, but i am hoping that the Steelers win today!

I am looking forward to...a few days off from work

I am learning...more about prayer, and its purpose in my life

Around the house...the laundry finally got put away!  hooray!!  and the toilets are clean.  what else could i ask for??

I am pondering...again, about prayer.  i so want to learn how to tap into it!  it has been missing from my life for way too long.

A favorite quote for today...i just heard this today: “Faith is not believing in spite of the evidence. Faith is obeying in spite of the consequence. Faith says, ‘I will do what the Lord says, even though it means a storm is headed my way. Even though it means there will be difficulties, obstacles, and challenges, even though it may be brutal and difficult, even though I must struggle, I will obey’” (Jon Courson)

One of my favorite things...listening to the moose talk to his big sister in the early morning. 

A few plans for the rest of the week: get organized for homeschooling. meal plans, grocery store and some freezer meals.

A peek into my day...

this is the toe i smashed with a ceramic stocking holder as we were putting away decorations.  the spot on top is where i burned a hole through the nail with a paperclip to relieve the incredible pressure and pain!  this morning it is still oozing... yuck!

the loss of prayer

somewhere along the way, i stopped.

stopped believing.

stopped trusting.

stopped reading.

stopped praying.

it was gradual. 

at first, it was a helplessness borne out of circumstances beyond my control.
(is anything really in my control?)

the KISA was out of a job. our fourth child was born 5 days after he got the call that he was let go. the hot water heater fell apart.  the air conditioner died (in 115 degree heat, no less). the toilet in the upstairs bath leaked into the kitchen below. etc, etc.

little things that mounted and tore at my faith. 

why, God, why so much in such a short time?

prayers became groans.

groans became sighs.

and sighs became silence.

and now...

well, now. there is just silence.

i lost the faith to pray, because, really, what difference does it make anyway?  God is going to do what He wants to do, doesn’t really matter what i pray, right? 

ummmm. wrong.

my perspective has been, well, off, to say the least.

i was looking at prayer as a way to get what i thought i wanted. 

what i thought i needed.

and i was disappointed time and again, because i kept asking God for things and feelings He never promised me i would have.


“Prayer is a statement about our belief in God & our view of Him.  What we pray for is a statement about us & our view of what we consider most valuable.” (K. Heer)

my disappointment in God comes from when i place expectations on Him, things i want from Him, things i feel entitled to,  and He doesn’t deliver....

 because He never promised to deliver them in the first place.

but i didn’t see that.  not really.  not until today. 

during a CBS lecture, i heard a quote.  i almost missed it, because my mind was wandering.  so, i didn’t get to write it down verbatim.

“persistence,” in prayer may be necessary to get ourselves “brought into a proper disposition to receive that mercy which he is ever disposed to give.” (Adam Clarke)

Prayer is necessary to put me into the right frame of mind and heart,

that i might receive God’s mercy.

huh?  it isn’t to ask for provisions?  it isn’t to ask for my children’s salvation?  it isn’t to ask for burdens to be lifted?

well, it is for those things, but not just those things.

it is so i can remember who GOD is, what HE has done, and what HE is capable of doing. 

persistently praying...”Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you” (Lk 11:9)

and receiving... “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” (Lk 11:13)

trusting Him to be our Provider  of our daily needs. “Give us each day our daily bread.” (Luke 11:3)

being in the right frame of mind to hear Him, really hear Him.

because it isn’t about me.  and as long as i continue to view prayer from a selfish standpoint, i miss the entire point of prayer...

to be in communion with my Heavenly Father through my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

it never was about me.

how did i miss this in my 16 years of salvation?

update:  i was able to obtain the actual quotes by asking my teaching director of CBS for them.  so i went ahead and updated them in the post to give proper credit!  thanks, G!