did they really ruin my dryer? not quite. but they sure do turn gooey! i have 3 boys and one girl, and they all love dirt, digging and bugs. this blog is just a small glimpse into my life as a mom, wife and whatever else God puts before me.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

fading dream

i would like to be able to write that all is well

to have a cheery post, full of laughter and sunshine and delicious meals.

tales that my homeschooling is on track

that i have abundant energy

that i have conquered my habit of yelling at my children

that i have it all figured out.

but i don’t.

i cannot come here and write that all is well.

to put a name to it, to call it out, to focus on what it is, is so painful and frightening.

to finally acknowledge it for what it is.

to stop faking it.

to admit that my days are so far from even adequate.

that i cannot remember to wash my children’s clothes, or put things out for dinner,  or have the children brush their teeth in the morning, take my library books back in time.

does this seem trivial? am i just whining?  do i just need to put on my ‘big girl panties’ and do?

i never thought i would be in this fog.

i feel like i have had a wonderful dream.  the kind where i wake up and it is so wonderful that i immediately try to fall asleep again to get back into it. 

but i can’t. it is there... just out of reach.  and no matter how hard i try, i cannot get back to it.

and now it is fading.  i cannot even remember what was so good about it. 

why did i want to go back in? 





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  2. I just read one of your comments to a post of mine 1.5 years ago. You wrote that your oldest son was "receding into his shell", and that you needed to change your expectations/standards for him.
    I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

    Finding this recent post of yours, I'm sorry that you are struggling.

    How is your "perfectionist" son doing? We're kind of in the thick of somethings with our one and only son, as well. They are near in age, though i think yours might be a year older than mine who is seven. ???

    Anyway, I hope that you are okay. I have been through tough seasons myself, where everything beautiful and blessed seems dark and cruel instead. I pray for your enlightenment to the freedom and peace God has for you, and that you will wake up this day with eyes and ears to receive the beautifully blessed life that is all yours.

    In Him,

    1. thank you, lora. each day is new, with new mercies. i read your words today and thank you for being courageous enough to share and encourage me. my oldest is as "perfectionist" as ever. he is going to be ten this winter season (cannot believe that!!) and as he grows, we have had to get more creative. i fear he has taken my cynicism to heart and has adopted that as a defense mechanism. my prayer is that God would change us BOTH. and not leave us in our selves. God bless you!

  3. Oh Gin, I'm so far behind on everything, so I'm just now reading this... I too have struggled off and on (but more in recent months) with much of the same. I've had to fight the 'fog' and discouragement. I've picked up my gratitude journal and God has used my writing in that (where I can be free to write whatever without having to worry about how I word things) to help.

    I sure miss seeing you.


i would love to hear from you! we all need encouragement in our journey as moms.