so, my sister isn’t talking to me.
more specifically, she wrote an email detailing my faults and then closed it with the proclamation that she would not answer any calls from me, nor would she open any emails from me.
the email was hurtful. she brought up my relationships with family members who are long dead and buried. she made heady accusations and then left absolutely no room for me to defend myself, or even to own up to the partial truths that were buried in her spiteful words.
her email has haunted me since it arrived. i have cried oceans of tears. i have had many a sleepless night. it is obvious from her tone that i have hurt her. that is horrible. i am grieved that i hurt her so. the kicker is that i didn’t even know i hurt her. until the email.
apparently there were expectations placed upon me. ones i didn’t know about. ones that changed up how our relationship had always been. and no one let me in on the upgrade. and when i didn’t meet those expectations, the volcano erupted and covered me in a sea of hot lava. it burns.
and now? now i have to go play nice at the Christmas family gathering on tuesday. pretend like all is well. because, of course, she will be there. just thinking about it ties me into knots. i have had a constant headache since the email arrived. my sleep is fitful. my waking mind has spent hours on responding, if i even get the chance.
and only a few of the 100 or so scenarios i a have concocted in my head are a chrisitan response.
i think that is what bothers me most. that i cannot just let this go. that i cannot extend to her the grace and mercy that has been extended to me through Jesus’ death on the cross. that i am unable to fix my mind on the things of God. on what is good, pure, noble, admirable. on Jesus.
would you please pray for me? i am struggling so much with how i am to act and feel. i am hurting so much and i am afraid that i will speak with anger and hurt instead of words of grace. she is not a believer. she does not know what true mercy is. if i could be a witness for Jesus that would be my desire.