did they really ruin my dryer? not quite. but they sure do turn gooey! i have 3 boys and one girl, and they all love dirt, digging and bugs. this blog is just a small glimpse into my life as a mom, wife and whatever else God puts before me.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

the year

aww. crap.
i have done it again.
thought many times over about writing something.
composed a few in my head, even.
searched long and hard for an app that would work on blogger from my phone.
then kept on with daily life without posting a thing.

so much has happened over the last year.
the stinkerbell got a diagnosis of Vocal Cord Dysfunction.
craziness, but controllable.
many kudos to the speech pathologist and ENT doctor who set us on the right path.
it was a long and tedious road, but we have finally mastered the trick to keeping the spasms under control.
finally!  (and there was much rejoicing!)

i went back to work full time, up from the prn routine. i forgot just how hard it is to work a full time job and homeschool and take care of the house and be a good wife and mom on top of it all.

we decided to move. two states away.
and we are moving in 6 weeks! eek.
ask me how many boxes i have packed.

i have a final date at work. the kids have had their eyes checked. the dental appt is scheduled. the cat will get fixed (finally).

i am stressed.
i think we will just leave and no one's life will be interrupted.
have we been just a blip here? one day we are here, and then, gone. and no one will be different for us being in their lives.
i feel like i am a noncontributor to the lives around me.
i am sad thinking we won't be missed.
i am scared to death that i won't make friends where we move.
i am scared no one will like me.
that my coworkers will hate me.
that my husband's business plan will fail.
that we won't find a church.

Lord, have mercy. i am soooo caught up in the worry that i cannot enjoy the time i have left here.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

...all the time

the last several weeks have had their ups and downs.  a daughter who has a chronic illness that impacts just about everything we do.  a father who had to jump off an overturning ATV, only to roll down a steep embankment, job insecurities, strained relationships, a family vacation, friends who jump to when we are in need (even when we don't know we need it).

and through all of it... God IS good.  all.  the.  time.

HE has never left us.  even though i often don't stand by Him.
HE has always loved us.  even though i don't love Him.
HE has never faltered.  even though i fail Him daily.
HE has always remained steadfast.  even though i ebb and flow like the tide.
HE will always be there.  even though i constantly rely on me.
HE is.

all the time.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

the next next time

today was church. dad is out of town, so i am solo today. he is enjoying the beach and his family, who we live too far away from to visit with any regularity. i dropped off the oldest son and our onliest daughter in the alley next to the building so she wouldn't have to walk too far. walking makes the spasms in her vocal cords so much worse. she coughs eternal, it seems. this is new territory for us. way different than last years coughing spells. last year, when she stopped moving, the coughing ceased. now she can go for hours coughing at a rate of 60 coughs a minute. these episodes scare the crap out of me. this morning was no different.

we showed up to Sunday School at 10, ready to go, and coughing all the while. i had a quick discussion with her sunday school teachers, explaining the condition "Vocal Cord Dysfunction." i feel like i am talking into one of those microphones that alters your voice to sound like a circus tent announcer from the looks i receive. but they are gracious. most in the church are sympathetic pray-ers for my daughter, esp after i wrote a letter about 1.5 years ago to the congregation about the stinkerbell's asthma struggles. she coughs, it's her norm now, and we just have to go on with our lives. Sunday school went relatively well. the kids in her class (it's a small one) are used to her wearing a mask and don't skip a beat. she is pretty comfortable there. as her teacher said "she handles it really well." i am the one who handles it poorly. i hate seeing her cough and miss out on stuff or get looked at like she has some contagious disease.

church is another matter. we sit in the side room so that we aren't disturbing the quiet of the sanctuary. there are open arch windows between the two halls, so people can still hear her, just not as clearly. one lady gets up from our side and moves to the other room during the opening prayer. i guess the noise is too distracting for her. most, again, are generous. we get lots of "poor thing" and "we are praying for her" and "have you tried (fill in the blank with whatever is the latest oil trend)?" it gets exhausting and after we leave the sanctuary, i have to go to the bathroom to cry.

i so want this to be done. for her sake. it is exhausting for her little body physically to continue coughing with this intensity and regularity. it is exhausting for us as a family to keep explaining. to pretend the whispers and stares don't matter. to wait not knowing what will work and what won't. to realize i have been holding my breath when she coughs because i don't breathe until she stops coughing. it is exhausting not knowing what will set it off next time. it is exhausting waiting for the next next time.