“I need help to throw up...”

it was 12:30 in the morning. 

i woke up to my oldest hovering over me...”mommy, i threw up.”

to be honest, my first thoughts were not about his well being. they were about where he threw up so i would know what i needed to clean it up.

selfish, i know.

turns out he managed to get it on the floor, and the bed was spared.

i head downstairs with him and plop him on the couch with a blanket while i arm myself with cleaner, towels, a spatula (very convenient for lifting vomit off the carpet...you’re welcome) and a bucket.  a very large mess awaited me.  took me a while to clean it up.

in the meantime, he is moaning on the couch.

finally, i can focus on him and his needs.  we decide he can sleep in his room, as long as he has a bucket handy.  i head upstairs to wake up dad and tell him i will be sleeping on the couch downstairs to be close by.

turns out, it was a good thing.  he threw up every 15 minutes for the next several hours.  we fell asleep around 5am.  with everyone else in the house getting up at 6, it didn’t leave me much opportunity to sleep.  he continued to throw up after that for another hour or so. 

one thing struck me later on. he kept calling for me to “help me throw up.”

what??

i can’t help him throw up.

it isn’t as if he needs me to hold the bucket or hold hair out of the way (remember when? i wasn’t always a good girl...)

but he wanted me... his mother... to be with him.  to wipe his mouth.  to rub his back. to be near.

to be honest, i have been failing at this more often than not. it is why i have been avoiding writing or sharing with others about my truly personal life.  i have been quite absent. 

oh, i am here physically.  on the computer or kindle fire or facebook.  doing tasks like making dinner and laundry and cleaning.  yelling at them to do what they are told.

not here for them.  what they need is me, close by, involved with their play, their interests, their failures. 

and they need me to be a loving, grace-giving mommy who isn’t irritated all the time by being interrupted.

i am ashamed to write these words, because in doing so, i am reflecting on how much i have neglected my children (and my husband, to be honest) in being here, but not here. 

i am not quite sure how to “check back in” except to just become more intentional with spending time with them.  finding ways to include them in the little tasks that consume so much of me.  devoting more of me to their schooling than just breaking out a few workbooks for them to do. 

one day at a time.

i think sometimes i don’t do those things because i might (will probably) fail miserably.  and instead of letting them see that side of me, i give them the less attached version... how backwards is that??

Heavenly Father,

i know i am not living up to a godly example of a mom to my children. i have neglected my relationship with You, and it is spilling over into every aspect of my life.  the people i hold closest in this life, i am also holding at bay so i don’t fail in front of them.  in doing so, i am damaging relationships. please help me to restore my relationship with You, so that i can restore relationships with them.

testing

testing...please ignore

a day without water...

my day starts the night before.  i have good intentions.

wake up at 6, before the kids, get some coffee, read my Bible.  maybe even do my CBS study so i don’t rush the night before to finish it.

but then the night is full of interruptions.  the baby wakes at midnight with a fever of 104.7.  motrin given, nurse him back to sleep, then try to get back to sleep. 

next it’s stinkerbell coughing so much she is throwing up.  albuterol treatment followed by 45 minutes or so of cuddle time because she is too wired to sleep.

next it is the dog wanting to go out.  i nudge the KISA, but the sleep is still interrupted.

6 am comes.... and goes.

now the kids are the ones to wake me up at about 7ish.  the KISA still is sleeping, and since he has to work, i don’t feel like i can nudge him again.  so i get up.

no coffee on board, and certainly no WORD to refresh me.   no quiet time.  and it is quite obvious that my day is gong to go badly.

it isn’t even 7:15 and i have yelled at everyone but the baby (who isn’t really a baby at 22 months).  and even he is pushing my buttons. 

this mom is irritated, and not showing much gratitude to the One who made the day.  cuz it just doesn’t look like that great of a day.

it progresses much the same.  children being, well, kids.  not really being bad or disobedient... just childish.  can’t handle it.  drink coffee, another cup.  but don’t feel like being nice to anyone.  don’t even realize how mean i am being until later in the day when i yell about how it shouldn’t be that hard to obey, for goodness’ sake! 

make dinner, with everyone in their perspective time out spots, because i just cannot handle them all together in the same room.  the noise is just too much. 

i end the night in front of the big one-eyed monster...the TV, because i just cannot get motivated to do any of the piles of laundry, let alone interact with my husband because, well, my irriatation with him is through the roof as well (and not any of it is his fault).

off to bed, waaaaay too late, feeling guilty about how the day went.  now throwing a pity party because i am such a failure as a wife and mom. 

and so the cycle goes.

i would like to say that the day described above doesn’t happen very often.  but, unfortunately, it is more the norm than a rarity. where the heck does it all go wrong?? what on earth am i doing, or NOT doing, that turns me into a 3 headed monster. 

it is the NOT doing that is getting me.  NOT spending time in the WORD on a daily basis is literally hardening my heart toward all things good.  NOT spending time praying (and those little “help me not kill this child” don’t really count as prayer time) and seeking HIS will for the day is setting me up for failure every time.  because i keep trying to go through my day on my own strength.

and my own strength is absolutely pathetic.  and every time i lean on my own understanding i misinterpret everything around me.  i blame others for irritating me, and don’t accept that maybe, just maybe, i am more irritated with me and just taking it out on them. 

i am thirsty.  and i need to drink from the living water, not the kitchen sink.  because one is merely sustaining, while the other is fulfilling.

i need to fill my well, not merely skim off the top of the rain water barrel.  so that when the rain hasn’t been around for a while, there is water down deep, a reserve to continue drinking from. 

how about you?  is there water in your well?  or are you in a drought?

Diary of Five

i am seeing.... the glare of the sun off the window in my dining room.  a welcomed brightness

i am hearing... my daughter doing a beading craft at the table. 

i am tasting... the aftertaste of coffee sweetened by vanilla chai spice creamer

i am smelling... not a whole lot.  my nose is stuffy.

i am feeling... the tenderness of my big toe as the sock and shoe i am wearing are rubbing it with every move of my feet.  it hurts...

Simple Woman’s Daybook #1

For Today, Sunday...

Outside my window...the snow that fell last night has already melted away.  i even saw a few people walking around in shorts!

I am thinking...about this morning’s sermon.  that believers are united in Christ.  pondering what that means.

I am thankful...for my KISA.  he is working hard to bring me home from work so that i can stay home with our children full time!

In the kitchen...is a crockpot full of velveeta cheese, rotel tomatoes, and jalapenos in preparation for the broncos/steelers game today.

I am wearing...jeans and a green/grey striped sweater.  also shoes, which i don’t usually do indoors, but i absolutely smashed my big toe last night, and it hurts to even be looked at!

I am creating...nothing much.  just trying to cultivate four little hearts into ones that love God, and that takes up the majority of my energy!

I am going...hopefully to watch the football game with some friends unless i get called in to the ER to work.

I am wondering...how on earth i am going to get everything done that i need to this week.

I am reading...don’t have any open books right now.  just finished Inheritance.

I am hoping...i know it is shallow, but i am hoping that the Steelers win today!

I am looking forward to...a few days off from work

I am learning...more about prayer, and its purpose in my life

Around the house...the laundry finally got put away!  hooray!!  and the toilets are clean.  what else could i ask for??

I am pondering...again, about prayer.  i so want to learn how to tap into it!  it has been missing from my life for way too long.

A favorite quote for today...i just heard this today: “Faith is not believing in spite of the evidence. Faith is obeying in spite of the consequence. Faith says, ‘I will do what the Lord says, even though it means a storm is headed my way. Even though it means there will be difficulties, obstacles, and challenges, even though it may be brutal and difficult, even though I must struggle, I will obey’” (Jon Courson)

One of my favorite things...listening to the moose talk to his big sister in the early morning. 

A few plans for the rest of the week: get organized for homeschooling. meal plans, grocery store and some freezer meals.

A peek into my day...

this is the toe i smashed with a ceramic stocking holder as we were putting away decorations.  the spot on top is where i burned a hole through the nail with a paperclip to relieve the incredible pressure and pain!  this morning it is still oozing... yuck!

the loss of prayer

somewhere along the way, i stopped.
stopped believing.
stopped trusting.
stopped reading.
stopped praying.
it was gradual. 
at first, it was a helplessness borne out of circumstances beyond my control.
(is anything really in my control?)
the KISA was out of a job. our fourth child was born 5 days after he got the call that he was let go. the hot water heater fell apart.  the air conditioner died (in 115 degree heat, no less). the toilet in the upstairs bath leaked into the kitchen below. etc, etc.
little things that mounted and tore at my faith. 
why, God, why so much in such a short time?
prayers became groans.
groans became sighs.
and sighs became silence.
and now...
well, now. there is just silence.
i lost the faith to pray, because, really, what difference does it make anyway?  God is going to do what He wants to do, doesn’t really matter what i pray, right? 
ummmm. wrong.
my perspective has been, well, off, to say the least.
i was looking at prayer as a way to get what i thought i wanted. 
what i thought i needed.
and i was disappointed time and again, because i kept asking God for things and feelings He never promised me i would have.
“Prayer is a statement about our belief in God & our view of Him.  What we pray for is a statement about us & our view of what we consider most valuable.” (K. Heer)

my disappointment in God comes from when i place expectations on Him, things i want from Him, things i feel entitled to,  and He doesn’t deliver....

 because He never promised to deliver them in the first place.

but i didn’t see that.  not really.  not until today. 
during a CBS lecture, i heard a quote.  i almost missed it, because my mind was wandering.  so, i didn’t get to write it down verbatim.

“persistence,” in prayer may be necessary to get ourselves “brought into a proper disposition to receive that mercy which he is ever disposed to give.” (Adam Clarke)

Prayer is necessary to put me into the right frame of mind and heart,

that i might receive God’s mercy.

huh?  it isn’t to ask for provisions?  it isn’t to ask for my children’s salvation?  it isn’t to ask for burdens to be lifted?

well, it is for those things, but not just those things.

it is so i can remember who GOD is, what HE has done, and what HE is capable of doing. 
persistently praying...”Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you” (Lk 11:9)
and receiving... “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” (Lk 11:13)
trusting Him to be our Provider  of our daily needs. “Give us each day our daily bread.” (Luke 11:3)
being in the right frame of mind to hear Him, really hear Him.
because it isn’t about me.  and as long as i continue to view prayer from a selfish standpoint, i miss the entire point of prayer...
to be in communion with my Heavenly Father through my relationship with Jesus Christ. 
it never was about me.
how did i miss this in my 16 years of salvation?

update:  i was able to obtain the actual quotes by asking my teaching director of CBS for them.  so i went ahead and updated them in the post to give proper credit!  thanks, G!

lost, not found

my 6 year old and i were reading Bible before bed the other night.  he has the Message for kids, which is full of good stories, engaging pictures, and good prayer prompts at the end of each story.

we read about zacchaeus, and the prayer prompt was to pray for someone we know who doesn’t believe in Jesus.  he wasn’t sure who to pray for, as most of the folks we know and fellowship with are believers (i was pretty convicted about this, more to come later).  i told him we could pray for my mom and dad and sister, his grandparents and auntie, as they did not know Jesus. 

my son let this sink in as we prayed, and suddenly, he began to cry.  heart wrenching tears, sobs even.  my husband could hear them upstairs.

it hit him like a ton of bricks.  grandma and grandpa  and auntie won’t be in heaven with us.  they would be in hell.

this child of mine is stubborn.  i have written about him in the past.  his stubbornness usually gets him into lots of trouble. but, in the midst of even the worst day, he usually surprises me with some deep insight about God.  one day, he even knelt in humility in prayer after we had had a long, difficult discipline session.  he always catches me off guard with his insight, and tonight was no exception.

he started scheming, how we could get them to come to church and have our pastor tell them about Jesus.  how we could take our bibles with us to Christmas at their house and read to them about Jesus.  how we could send them Christmas cards with Bible verses in them to tell them about Jesus.  he wants to DO something.

i told him the best thing we could do is PRAY for them, fervently.  and for as long as it takes.

he didn’t like that answer, as it didn’t involve an immediate payoff.  but we talked about how BIG God is, and how only HE can change a heart and soften it toward the Good News of Jesus. 

Fast forward two days.  my dad was here for a quick visit while my mom was in the hospital for an outpatient procedure.  on the way out, my 6 year old boy, unashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ, asks my dad the question i have never had the courage to ask:

Grandpa, why don’t you believe in Jesus?

what followed was a bunch of awkward silence from me, dagger looks from my dad to me as he said “Who said i don’t believe in Jesus?  I believe there is something up there.”  and a quick exit on his part. 

i have no idea how my dad feels about that question, other than to be really angry it was even asked at all.  my dad does believe in something, just not the gospel truth of Jesus coming to earth and dying for our sins.  he believes you get to heaven if you are “good enough” and he doesn’t think he is good enough.

my son, my bold, stubborn, beautiful child, broke through a wall that day. 

i fear for our visit on Christmas day.  all of my children are now plotting to share the truth of Jesus to my family.  i have no idea how it will be received, what my parents will say in response, or how injured my children will feel if hurtful things are said. 

i have no idea how to prepare them for the possibility that their words will not be received with grateful hearts.  that they may not accept Jesus as their Savior. 

i feel like i am rambling here.. i guess i am writing this simply to ask for prayer.  prayer that tender hearts won’t get trampled on as they witness to loved ones.  prayer that their words would be received by open and softened hearts.  prayer that i would be bold, like them, and stop fearing the worst.  prayer that i would not be ashamed of the gospel. 

 

If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. Lk 9:26