it was gradual.
at first, it was a helplessness borne out of circumstances beyond my control.
(is anything really in my control?)
the KISA was out of a job. our fourth child was born 5 days after he got the call that he was let go. the hot water heater fell apart. the air conditioner died (in 115 degree heat, no less). the toilet in the upstairs bath leaked into the kitchen below. etc, etc.
little things that mounted and tore at my faith.
why, God, why so much in such a short time?
prayers became groans.
groans became sighs.
and sighs became silence.
well, now. there is just silence.
i lost the faith to pray, because, really, what difference does it make anyway? God is going to do what He wants to do, doesn’t really matter what i pray, right?
my perspective has been, well, off, to say the least.
i was looking at prayer as a way to get what i thought i wanted.
what i thought i needed.
and i was disappointed time and again, because i kept asking God for things and feelings He never promised me i would have.
“Prayer is a statement about our belief in God & our view of Him. What we pray for is a statement about us & our view of what we consider most valuable.” (K. Heer)
my disappointment in God comes from when i place expectations on Him, things i want from Him, things i feel entitled to, and He doesn’t deliver....
because He never promised to deliver them in the first place.but i didn’t see that. not really. not until today.
during a CBS lecture, i heard a quote. i almost missed it, because my mind was wandering. so, i didn’t get to write it down verbatim.
“persistence,” in prayer may be necessary to get ourselves “brought into a proper disposition to receive that mercy which he is ever disposed to give.” (Adam Clarke)
Prayer is necessary to put me into the right frame of mind and heart,
that i might receive God’s mercy.
huh? it isn’t to ask for provisions? it isn’t to ask for my children’s salvation? it isn’t to ask for burdens to be lifted?
well, it is for those things, but not just those things.
it is so i can remember who GOD is, what HE has done, and what HE is capable of doing.
persistently praying...”Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you” (Lk 11:9)
and receiving... “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” (Lk 11:13)
trusting Him to be our Provider of our daily needs. “Give us each day our daily bread.” (Luke 11:3)
being in the right frame of mind to hear Him, really hear Him.
because it isn’t about me. and as long as i continue to view prayer from a selfish standpoint, i miss the entire point of prayer...
to be in communion with my Heavenly Father through my relationship with Jesus Christ.
it never was about me.
how did i miss this in my 16 years of salvation?
update: i was able to obtain the actual quotes by asking my teaching director of CBS for them. so i went ahead and updated them in the post to give proper credit! thanks, G!