“I need help to throw up...”

it was 12:30 in the morning. 

i woke up to my oldest hovering over me...”mommy, i threw up.”

to be honest, my first thoughts were not about his well being. they were about where he threw up so i would know what i needed to clean it up.

selfish, i know.

turns out he managed to get it on the floor, and the bed was spared.

i head downstairs with him and plop him on the couch with a blanket while i arm myself with cleaner, towels, a spatula (very convenient for lifting vomit off the carpet...you’re welcome) and a bucket.  a very large mess awaited me.  took me a while to clean it up.

in the meantime, he is moaning on the couch.

finally, i can focus on him and his needs.  we decide he can sleep in his room, as long as he has a bucket handy.  i head upstairs to wake up dad and tell him i will be sleeping on the couch downstairs to be close by.

turns out, it was a good thing.  he threw up every 15 minutes for the next several hours.  we fell asleep around 5am.  with everyone else in the house getting up at 6, it didn’t leave me much opportunity to sleep.  he continued to throw up after that for another hour or so. 

one thing struck me later on. he kept calling for me to “help me throw up.”

what??

i can’t help him throw up.

it isn’t as if he needs me to hold the bucket or hold hair out of the way (remember when? i wasn’t always a good girl...)

but he wanted me... his mother... to be with him.  to wipe his mouth.  to rub his back. to be near.

to be honest, i have been failing at this more often than not. it is why i have been avoiding writing or sharing with others about my truly personal life.  i have been quite absent. 

oh, i am here physically.  on the computer or kindle fire or facebook.  doing tasks like making dinner and laundry and cleaning.  yelling at them to do what they are told.

not here for them.  what they need is me, close by, involved with their play, their interests, their failures. 

and they need me to be a loving, grace-giving mommy who isn’t irritated all the time by being interrupted.

i am ashamed to write these words, because in doing so, i am reflecting on how much i have neglected my children (and my husband, to be honest) in being here, but not here. 

i am not quite sure how to “check back in” except to just become more intentional with spending time with them.  finding ways to include them in the little tasks that consume so much of me.  devoting more of me to their schooling than just breaking out a few workbooks for them to do. 

one day at a time.

i think sometimes i don’t do those things because i might (will probably) fail miserably.  and instead of letting them see that side of me, i give them the less attached version... how backwards is that??

Heavenly Father,

i know i am not living up to a godly example of a mom to my children. i have neglected my relationship with You, and it is spilling over into every aspect of my life.  the people i hold closest in this life, i am also holding at bay so i don’t fail in front of them.  in doing so, i am damaging relationships. please help me to restore my relationship with You, so that i can restore relationships with them.