Diary of Five

i am seeing.... the glare of the sun off the window in my dining room.  a welcomed brightness

i am hearing... my daughter doing a beading craft at the table. 

i am tasting... the aftertaste of coffee sweetened by vanilla chai spice creamer

i am smelling... not a whole lot.  my nose is stuffy.

i am feeling... the tenderness of my big toe as the sock and shoe i am wearing are rubbing it with every move of my feet.  it hurts...

Simple Woman’s Daybook #1

For Today, Sunday...

Outside my window...the snow that fell last night has already melted away.  i even saw a few people walking around in shorts!

I am thinking...about this morning’s sermon.  that believers are united in Christ.  pondering what that means.

I am thankful...for my KISA.  he is working hard to bring me home from work so that i can stay home with our children full time!

In the kitchen...is a crockpot full of velveeta cheese, rotel tomatoes, and jalapenos in preparation for the broncos/steelers game today.

I am wearing...jeans and a green/grey striped sweater.  also shoes, which i don’t usually do indoors, but i absolutely smashed my big toe last night, and it hurts to even be looked at!

I am creating...nothing much.  just trying to cultivate four little hearts into ones that love God, and that takes up the majority of my energy!

I am going...hopefully to watch the football game with some friends unless i get called in to the ER to work.

I am wondering...how on earth i am going to get everything done that i need to this week.

I am reading...don’t have any open books right now.  just finished Inheritance.

I am hoping...i know it is shallow, but i am hoping that the Steelers win today!

I am looking forward to...a few days off from work

I am learning...more about prayer, and its purpose in my life

Around the house...the laundry finally got put away!  hooray!!  and the toilets are clean.  what else could i ask for??

I am pondering...again, about prayer.  i so want to learn how to tap into it!  it has been missing from my life for way too long.

A favorite quote for today...i just heard this today: “Faith is not believing in spite of the evidence. Faith is obeying in spite of the consequence. Faith says, ‘I will do what the Lord says, even though it means a storm is headed my way. Even though it means there will be difficulties, obstacles, and challenges, even though it may be brutal and difficult, even though I must struggle, I will obey’” (Jon Courson)

One of my favorite things...listening to the moose talk to his big sister in the early morning. 

A few plans for the rest of the week: get organized for homeschooling. meal plans, grocery store and some freezer meals.

A peek into my day...

this is the toe i smashed with a ceramic stocking holder as we were putting away decorations.  the spot on top is where i burned a hole through the nail with a paperclip to relieve the incredible pressure and pain!  this morning it is still oozing... yuck!

the loss of prayer

somewhere along the way, i stopped.

stopped believing.

stopped trusting.

stopped reading.

stopped praying.

it was gradual. 

at first, it was a helplessness borne out of circumstances beyond my control.
(is anything really in my control?)

the KISA was out of a job. our fourth child was born 5 days after he got the call that he was let go. the hot water heater fell apart.  the air conditioner died (in 115 degree heat, no less). the toilet in the upstairs bath leaked into the kitchen below. etc, etc.

little things that mounted and tore at my faith. 

why, God, why so much in such a short time?

prayers became groans.

groans became sighs.

and sighs became silence.

and now...

well, now. there is just silence.

i lost the faith to pray, because, really, what difference does it make anyway?  God is going to do what He wants to do, doesn’t really matter what i pray, right? 

ummmm. wrong.

my perspective has been, well, off, to say the least.

i was looking at prayer as a way to get what i thought i wanted. 

what i thought i needed.

and i was disappointed time and again, because i kept asking God for things and feelings He never promised me i would have.


“Prayer is a statement about our belief in God & our view of Him.  What we pray for is a statement about us & our view of what we consider most valuable.” (K. Heer)

my disappointment in God comes from when i place expectations on Him, things i want from Him, things i feel entitled to,  and He doesn’t deliver....

 because He never promised to deliver them in the first place.

but i didn’t see that.  not really.  not until today. 

during a CBS lecture, i heard a quote.  i almost missed it, because my mind was wandering.  so, i didn’t get to write it down verbatim.

“persistence,” in prayer may be necessary to get ourselves “brought into a proper disposition to receive that mercy which he is ever disposed to give.” (Adam Clarke)

Prayer is necessary to put me into the right frame of mind and heart,

that i might receive God’s mercy.

huh?  it isn’t to ask for provisions?  it isn’t to ask for my children’s salvation?  it isn’t to ask for burdens to be lifted?

well, it is for those things, but not just those things.

it is so i can remember who GOD is, what HE has done, and what HE is capable of doing. 

persistently praying...”Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you” (Lk 11:9)

and receiving... “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” (Lk 11:13)

trusting Him to be our Provider  of our daily needs. “Give us each day our daily bread.” (Luke 11:3)

being in the right frame of mind to hear Him, really hear Him.

because it isn’t about me.  and as long as i continue to view prayer from a selfish standpoint, i miss the entire point of prayer...

to be in communion with my Heavenly Father through my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

it never was about me.

how did i miss this in my 16 years of salvation?

update:  i was able to obtain the actual quotes by asking my teaching director of CBS for them.  so i went ahead and updated them in the post to give proper credit!  thanks, G!