wonder...ponder

how come those don't rhyme?

anyway :)

we are still here after the Christmas season. actually, the Christmas season is still with us since the tree and decorations are still up.

*sigh*

i asked the KISA to take things down for me because, well, i really really dislike putting away Christmas ornaments. too depressing.

but i am finding that leaving them up until the 9th of january is just as depressing.

so, today.. they are coming down!!

i think.

it is my only day off in a long stretch, so it has to happen today or they will probably be there another week.

so what is the purpose of this post? surely not to whine about seasonal decorations.

nope. more like, to share some gifts!

when i count my gifts, i am reminded of the goodness of God. a reminder i need way more often in my crazy life.

* ducky tubs and splashing water

* the first "real" bath of the little moose

* grandpa, aka my dad

* playdoh and fighting playdoh monsters

* strange icicle formations and on the spot learning opportunities

* standing, letting go and falling... and

* seeing my Heavenly Father pick me up when i fall and cannot get up on my own

* wrapping paper mounds

* snow laden trees

* libraries within walking distance

* a husband that lets me sleep in on my first day of work

* whispers of a 5 year old at bedtime. "jo-jo, what was the best thing about your day?"

"you tucking me in."

the simple woman's daybook

it has been a while since i did this. like my gratitude list, it helps me reflect on what is good. i have finally written down what the "questions" are in my journal and i am filling them in every now and then (even when i cannot get to the computer). i am thinking of coming up with a shorter list for my children. it might be fun to keep a journal for them as well.

outside my window...
we are experiencing an unusually warm december day. the sky is blue with just a few low white clouds. no snow in sight :)

I am thinking...
that i am really behind. that i am overwhelmed with the long list of to-dos that never seem to get done. that i need to give myself a little grace.

i am thankful for...
6 days off. i worked 4 of the last 5 and am using today to catch up on sleep, cuddle time, and cleaning.

from the learning room...
we took a week off due to my work schedule. the KISA has approached me about being more involved, which i am grateful for, but i also feel guilty about. isn't it my job to do the schooling?

from the kitchen...
tonight it is ham and noodle casserole. a delicious combo of ham, elbow noodles, cottage cheese, sour cream, milk and some dill week that is wonderful! i will make 2 so that i can start to restock the freezer.

i am wearing...
a white tank top, blue sweats and a grey hoodie.

i am creating...
more to do lists *sigh*

i am going...
insane? no, really... just a little crazy when i think about all the stuff that needs done that i have been putting off.

i am reading...
not a whole lot right now. not even my Bible. which is definitely having a very negative impact on my outlook.

i am hoping and praying...
that i can start to pull out of the downward slide into mild depression. it is starting to get ugly.

i am hearing...
my children playing on the wooden play structure as they climb and poise themselves precariously on the top (yikes!)

around the house...
mounds of laundry, a few sinks that need wiping, and a vacuum that needs to be used everywhere, esp on the stairs.

one of my favorite things...
when the KISA brings in little JD to me in the morning to nurse him. he gets the biggest cheesy grin on his face when he sees me. then i turn him back over and fall back to sleep for a few more hours. i don't like working until 4 am, but i love my alarm clock :)

a few plans for the rest of the week...
i am hoping to get our school scheduled for the next 6 weeks so that the KISA can jump in on days i work. i really do not want to waste any of my days off, so i will be baking our Christmas cookies and making plates for the neighbors and our pastors. i need to finish off the Christmas shopping and plan our Christmas breakfast (i work Christmas evening from 3p-3a, so we are going to have a big breakfast instead of a dinner).

i am rejoicing...
in the knowledge that even though i have removed myself from the Lord's presence in many ways, He is ever present with me. He has not moved. He never will. i know that as i slowly make my way back to Him, there will be open arms and a wonderful loving hug from my Savior. i am so glad my salvation isn't dependent on me.

here is a picture thought...

this is the cake i made for my son's 8th birthday last week. i had a lot of fun doing it :) my kids call me "cake boss!" it is pound cake cut and layered to create the cab, a loaf of pound cake hollowed out some for the dump truck, oreo cookie crumbs for dirt, and marshmallow cookies for the wheels. it took forever (and a whole lot of food coloring) to get the orange color just right. i am not sure how i will top this one!

to read more and to participate, please visit The Simple Woman's Daybook.

the first, and i hope the last, time

i work in an emergency room.

it is inevitable that i see things that are like indelible stains in my memory.

stories, images. sometimes they flow through my head at night at lightning speed.

sometimes they are slow motion images that haunt.

could we have done anything else?

should we have done something different?

how on earth is that family going to go home tonight and wake up in the morning and just breathe?

i had to do something for the first time in my 15+ years of nursing. 10 of which has been spent in the emergency room.

i had to participate in a code of a 12 year old boy.

a code is where the person you are caring for is no longer breathing and doesn't have a heart beat.

he was 12.

the circumstances surrounding what put him in that situation were totally accidental. wrong place, wrong time.

he was 12.

we switch off doing chest compressions every 1-2 minutes because it is exhausting.

i got to be his heart beat every few minutes.

he was 12.

i keep coming back to that because i cannot wrap my head around it.

the mother had to come in after we had done everything, everything we could have done.

she had to say good-bye.

and then go home to his room.

still a mess, probably.

maybe some dirty clothes on the floor.

some open comic books spread out.

school books in a backpack.

how on earth do you sleep after saying goodbye?

how do you even say goodbye?

i hope i never have to do that again.