the next next time

today was church. dad is out of town, so i am solo today. he is enjoying the beach and his family, who we live too far away from to visit with any regularity. i dropped off the oldest son and our onliest daughter in the alley next to the building so she wouldn't have to walk too far. walking makes the spasms in her vocal cords so much worse. she coughs eternal, it seems. this is new territory for us. way different than last years coughing spells. last year, when she stopped moving, the coughing ceased. now she can go for hours coughing at a rate of 60 coughs a minute. these episodes scare the crap out of me. this morning was no different.

we showed up to Sunday School at 10, ready to go, and coughing all the while. i had a quick discussion with her sunday school teachers, explaining the condition "Vocal Cord Dysfunction." i feel like i am talking into one of those microphones that alters your voice to sound like a circus tent announcer from the looks i receive. but they are gracious. most in the church are sympathetic pray-ers for my daughter, esp after i wrote a letter about 1.5 years ago to the congregation about the stinkerbell's asthma struggles. she coughs, it's her norm now, and we just have to go on with our lives. Sunday school went relatively well. the kids in her class (it's a small one) are used to her wearing a mask and don't skip a beat. she is pretty comfortable there. as her teacher said "she handles it really well." i am the one who handles it poorly. i hate seeing her cough and miss out on stuff or get looked at like she has some contagious disease.

church is another matter. we sit in the side room so that we aren't disturbing the quiet of the sanctuary. there are open arch windows between the two halls, so people can still hear her, just not as clearly. one lady gets up from our side and moves to the other room during the opening prayer. i guess the noise is too distracting for her. most, again, are generous. we get lots of "poor thing" and "we are praying for her" and "have you tried (fill in the blank with whatever is the latest oil trend)?" it gets exhausting and after we leave the sanctuary, i have to go to the bathroom to cry.

i so want this to be done. for her sake. it is exhausting for her little body physically to continue coughing with this intensity and regularity. it is exhausting for us as a family to keep explaining. to pretend the whispers and stares don't matter. to wait not knowing what will work and what won't. to realize i have been holding my breath when she coughs because i don't breathe until she stops coughing. it is exhausting not knowing what will set it off next time. it is exhausting waiting for the next next time.

a little (shaming) goes a long way

 

my second son turned 8 a few weeks ago.  his grandpa is very generous and always sends him some cash to spend as he likes.  yesterday was our shopping trip. 

he had been talking since his birthday party that he wanted to buy his guests presents as thank yous.  i kept telling him that the treat bags mom worked so hard on (and spent some dough on, too) were ample thanks, as well as thank you cards.  well, he was not to be swayed.  i am ashamed to admit that we got into a tearful argument (on both sides) about the spending of his birthday money.  i wanted him to spend his money on himself since he rarely gets to do that, and he wanted to buy a bunch of stuff for others. 

the Holy Spirit spoke volumes to me on our drive to the W.  it is his money, after all, and who the heck am i to squelch his generous heart???  after we arrived in the parking lot, i turned and spoke gently to him, humbly apologizing for my own behavior and asking his forgiveness.  we headed into the store with uplifted hearts and beelined to the toy department.

he picked out some nice gifts for his friends, then went to work looking for himself.  we spent at least 30 minutes in the LEGO aisle.  at the end of the aisle was a Hero Factory kit that had a clearance tag on it "$16.50".”  He thought that was a pretty good deal and asked how much he had left.  we counted it up, and to his dismay, he was too short to get anything for his 3 siblings.  we talked, me on one knee, and him with tears, about what we could do.  i gently suggested that we find out when his friends’ birthdays were, and save up some allowance to buy them gifts on their special days.  his eyes lit up, and we put the items back, then looked for his sibs presents. 

we then did the rest of our shopping and headed to the check-out...

that took a while.  it is the big W, ya know.

i had put my groceries up first, and at the last minute, decided to use the bar to separate out my stuff from his. 

i am so glad i did, because otherwise i would have missed God blessing my son!

we get to his stuff, and by my estimation, he is going to get about $2 in change. 

he got a crisp $10 bill. 

wha???

we looked at the receipt a little closer when we got past the register, and to my surprise, his LEGO toy rang up as $7.  Less than half the price tag.  Clearance item?  who knows... nothing indicated sale on the receipt.

so you ready for a little more shaming of his mama??

we get in the car, talking about how cool it was that his total was less than we expected.  his first thought on this truth sinking in??

“Now I have enough to buy a game for T and C!!! (his friends from the party).”

my son, who has such an issue with anger and what to do with it, didn’t think of himself.  he thought of his friends.  i broke into tears and explained to him how God had blessed him with a generous spirit just like his daddy.  (his mama lacks one)

i love how God takes moments like this one and shows me a glimmer of what is to come in my children’s lives.  this child, this fists balled up in anger, screaming at the top of his lungs that no one loves him, punching walls child, has a generous heart that surpasses any of my expectations. 

i thank God for not letting me miss the moment. 

do i dare??

welcome!  this is my attempt at getting back into the blogging world.  a BOY  mom blog hop!  what better way than an introduction to a bunch of new blogs where i can learn, laugh and commiserate? 

this little, unattended blog is about my life as a mom.  as a wife.  as a daughter of the King of Kings.  a homeschooling mom. an ER nurse. all the dirty, nitty gritty details.  the pains and the laughs.  at least, that is what i want it to be about.

i have four children.  TicTac is 9, my firstborn son.  he loves to learn, as long as it is a subject he chooses (i.e. not math). he is eager to make people laugh, although that is not where his gifting lies.  so he is incredibly envious of his younger brother, #2 Bonobo who is 7.  this one... he can make a rock laugh.  he is super silly.  he likes to torture his younger sister, Stinkerbell who is 5.  she is my only girl... poor thing!  she had to give up her spot as the baby when our third boy showed up (thank you DTV). number 3 boy is the Moose!  named for how big he was on his entry (he actually broke his clavicle on the way out) and now it is apt to liken him to the bull moose in a china shop.  he likes to destroy.  

let’s see... games my boys love.  well.  they can turn any animal, vegetable or mineral into something explosive.  they will also turn games like chutes and ladders into war games.  so i am not sure i am qualified to weigh in on this one... they do like playing Monopoly Deal (card game) and Angry Birds, of course.

what else is there to tell you about me and the family?  i have been married for almost 13 years.  my hubby, aka the KISA, is my best partner in crime.  he pitches in when i am at work, and lets me sleep in when i work a mid or night shift.  he does kids baths, cleans toilets and mops kitchen floors (don’t hate me).  he also treats me with respect and loves me even when i don’t deserve it.  i am blessed beyond belief. 

my day is full of the small stuff like laundry, bloody knees, sibling rivalry and the like.  i dream of being the mom who never yells, the wife who always has a hot meal ready and the FlyLady shining sink, and the RN who never loses her cool.  but i am not.  i am an imperfect, human with SIN abounding.  i yell.  i lose my patience.  i have arguments with my husband in my head over stupid little things and then lay into him when he comes home.  there is at least 3 piles of unwashed laundry in the basement.  and 3 more that need to be folded.  i am me.  i think i avoid blogging because i am afraid i will compare myself to others and then be sorely disappointed. 

but... here goes.  another try.  will the blogosphere be forgiving??  we shall see... will i just accept who i am and where i am and be content?  sure hope so.  maybe you will stick it out and see with me... if you have hung in this far, take a look around.  look at some old posts.  maybe you will find a kindred spirit.

for some reason, i cannot get the button to work!  so, if you want to go check out the other Moms in this great hop, go to the MOB Society and join in the fun!!

“I need help to throw up...”

it was 12:30 in the morning. 

i woke up to my oldest hovering over me...”mommy, i threw up.”

to be honest, my first thoughts were not about his well being. they were about where he threw up so i would know what i needed to clean it up.

selfish, i know.

turns out he managed to get it on the floor, and the bed was spared.

i head downstairs with him and plop him on the couch with a blanket while i arm myself with cleaner, towels, a spatula (very convenient for lifting vomit off the carpet...you’re welcome) and a bucket.  a very large mess awaited me.  took me a while to clean it up.

in the meantime, he is moaning on the couch.

finally, i can focus on him and his needs.  we decide he can sleep in his room, as long as he has a bucket handy.  i head upstairs to wake up dad and tell him i will be sleeping on the couch downstairs to be close by.

turns out, it was a good thing.  he threw up every 15 minutes for the next several hours.  we fell asleep around 5am.  with everyone else in the house getting up at 6, it didn’t leave me much opportunity to sleep.  he continued to throw up after that for another hour or so. 

one thing struck me later on. he kept calling for me to “help me throw up.”

what??

i can’t help him throw up.

it isn’t as if he needs me to hold the bucket or hold hair out of the way (remember when? i wasn’t always a good girl...)

but he wanted me... his mother... to be with him.  to wipe his mouth.  to rub his back. to be near.

to be honest, i have been failing at this more often than not. it is why i have been avoiding writing or sharing with others about my truly personal life.  i have been quite absent. 

oh, i am here physically.  on the computer or kindle fire or facebook.  doing tasks like making dinner and laundry and cleaning.  yelling at them to do what they are told.

not here for them.  what they need is me, close by, involved with their play, their interests, their failures. 

and they need me to be a loving, grace-giving mommy who isn’t irritated all the time by being interrupted.

i am ashamed to write these words, because in doing so, i am reflecting on how much i have neglected my children (and my husband, to be honest) in being here, but not here. 

i am not quite sure how to “check back in” except to just become more intentional with spending time with them.  finding ways to include them in the little tasks that consume so much of me.  devoting more of me to their schooling than just breaking out a few workbooks for them to do. 

one day at a time.

i think sometimes i don’t do those things because i might (will probably) fail miserably.  and instead of letting them see that side of me, i give them the less attached version... how backwards is that??

Heavenly Father,

i know i am not living up to a godly example of a mom to my children. i have neglected my relationship with You, and it is spilling over into every aspect of my life.  the people i hold closest in this life, i am also holding at bay so i don’t fail in front of them.  in doing so, i am damaging relationships. please help me to restore my relationship with You, so that i can restore relationships with them.

lost, not found

my 6 year old and i were reading Bible before bed the other night.  he has the Message for kids, which is full of good stories, engaging pictures, and good prayer prompts at the end of each story.

we read about zacchaeus, and the prayer prompt was to pray for someone we know who doesn’t believe in Jesus.  he wasn’t sure who to pray for, as most of the folks we know and fellowship with are believers (i was pretty convicted about this, more to come later).  i told him we could pray for my mom and dad and sister, his grandparents and auntie, as they did not know Jesus. 

my son let this sink in as we prayed, and suddenly, he began to cry.  heart wrenching tears, sobs even.  my husband could hear them upstairs.

it hit him like a ton of bricks.  grandma and grandpa  and auntie won’t be in heaven with us.  they would be in hell.

this child of mine is stubborn.  i have written about him in the past.  his stubbornness usually gets him into lots of trouble. but, in the midst of even the worst day, he usually surprises me with some deep insight about God.  one day, he even knelt in humility in prayer after we had had a long, difficult discipline session.  he always catches me off guard with his insight, and tonight was no exception.

he started scheming, how we could get them to come to church and have our pastor tell them about Jesus.  how we could take our bibles with us to Christmas at their house and read to them about Jesus.  how we could send them Christmas cards with Bible verses in them to tell them about Jesus.  he wants to DO something.

i told him the best thing we could do is PRAY for them, fervently.  and for as long as it takes.

he didn’t like that answer, as it didn’t involve an immediate payoff.  but we talked about how BIG God is, and how only HE can change a heart and soften it toward the Good News of Jesus. 

Fast forward two days.  my dad was here for a quick visit while my mom was in the hospital for an outpatient procedure.  on the way out, my 6 year old boy, unashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ, asks my dad the question i have never had the courage to ask:

Grandpa, why don’t you believe in Jesus?

what followed was a bunch of awkward silence from me, dagger looks from my dad to me as he said “Who said i don’t believe in Jesus?  I believe there is something up there.”  and a quick exit on his part. 

i have no idea how my dad feels about that question, other than to be really angry it was even asked at all.  my dad does believe in something, just not the gospel truth of Jesus coming to earth and dying for our sins.  he believes you get to heaven if you are “good enough” and he doesn’t think he is good enough.

my son, my bold, stubborn, beautiful child, broke through a wall that day. 

i fear for our visit on Christmas day.  all of my children are now plotting to share the truth of Jesus to my family.  i have no idea how it will be received, what my parents will say in response, or how injured my children will feel if hurtful things are said. 

i have no idea how to prepare them for the possibility that their words will not be received with grateful hearts.  that they may not accept Jesus as their Savior. 

i feel like i am rambling here.. i guess i am writing this simply to ask for prayer.  prayer that tender hearts won’t get trampled on as they witness to loved ones.  prayer that their words would be received by open and softened hearts.  prayer that i would be bold, like them, and stop fearing the worst.  prayer that i would not be ashamed of the gospel. 

 

If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. Lk 9:26

sheltering his heart

my heart is breaking for my dear little boy. 

the one who isn’t so little anymore.

the one who like to pour through any and all books.

he was looking through a collection of New York Times front pages today. it is a book his daddy got as a present several years ago.  it is truly fascinating to look through, and he does so often.

today, i heard him quietly crying from the downstairs. 

i called to him, and he said it was something he had to show me, he couldn’t explain.

i went down to him and he showed me a picture of a building that had been bombed.  below that graphic picture was a horrifying picture of a man holding a small child, not more than a few months old. 

the man was cradling a limp child and getting ready to hand the babe over to an EMS worker.

even in black and white it was evident there was blood on both the man and child.

and my own child had tears streaming down his face.

oh, that i could protect him from the terrors of this world.  that i could shelter him from the evil things that people do to each other.

but i cannot.  bad things happen.  our family will likely survive a tragedy of some sort.  probably not on such a grand scale, but a tragedy nonetheless. 

how do i prepare his young heart and mind to absorb it all? 

we don’t watch TV, they don’t see the news, and they rarely hear anything other than HisKids or audio books. 

but i still cannot protect him from everything.

i had to tell him that i was sorry he had to see that picture, but that bad things happen.  evil exists in this world because of the fall.  we live in a sinful world.

the good news, i told him, lies in Jesus Christ.  that He came to save us from our own sin, from our own selves.  He lived a sinless life, died a horrible death, and was resurrected by the Father God.  He now stands in the gap that sin created.  He spans that great chasm for us, so that we might stand before God and be free from the wrath that comes from our sinful lives.  He takes our place. 

my son doesn’t quite understand this yet.  he wants to mete out his own justice and seek revenge on the people who caused the death and destruction he saw in those images.  i can only pray that i will continue to be able to direct him gently and show him who God is and how Jesus can be his Savior. 

that and cry with him when his heart hurts so much he cannot even find words to speak what is on his heart. 

birthday bouquet...

my only-est girl turned 4 recently, and instead of doing a traditional cake, i decided to give her a flower pot filled with sugar cookies!  she was thrilled with them, and it was super easy!

i started off using a package of sugar cookies from betty crocker, and made the recipe off the back for the cut-out cookies. (cheating, i know, but i was short on time).  at Easter time, i found a wilton cookie pan mold with flowers on it.  i filled the cookie tin with the cookie dough, stuck in the wilton cookie sticks at varying lengths and baked.  it was super easy!  and they came out beautifully once they cooled a bit.

i enlisted the help of daddy to decorate her flower pot, which i got at wal-mart for $3.99.  he painted it with fireworks, flowers, fish, and a happy birthday sign along the top. i am glad he is artistic, because my painting would have been disastrous.

why the face?  because of this:

there wasn’t any way he could fix it!

next i mad rice krispie treats and molded them into the pot.  in retrospect, i should have used cocoa krispies to look more like dirt, but this worked.

i positioned some extra cookie sticks in the treats so that i wouldn’t have to force the actual cookies into hardened treats.  i am very glad i did this, because i probably would have broken a cookie or two trying to get them in.

i decorated the cookies with various brands of cookie icing.  quick drying proved to be the easiest to work with.  they didn’t turn out too badly, although i think my creativity lacked immensely.

stinkerbell loved the way they smelled!! (who doesn’t love the fragrance of sugar cookies?) she kept ‘sniffing’ her bouquet!

everyone enjoyed eating them.  they were HUGE, though.  way more sugar in one sitting than my kids are used to.  they had to go run it off outside for about 2 hours!

all in all, a success, i think!  if you decide to make these, would you link to my blog and let me see them?  i would love to have new ideas for the next time.

linking to Mingle Monday today with Robyn at addapinch.com

turning 4...

our only girl turned 4!!  cannot believe it.  we relived the day of her births, the bedrest leading up to it, all the turmoil and family junk that transpired those last few months of my pregnancy with her. 

but now we have her!  and i couldn’t be more torn between happiness and sadness that my little girl is now 4.  she is still full of sweetness and sometimes vinegar.  she has a smile that lights up any room, and a selfless disposition (as long as it doesn’t involve her animals!) she loves all things pink and purple, and yet can play with the hot wheels like a pro.  i love her dearly and cannot imagine our home without her.

here are a few pics from her birth-day day! 

i made flower cookies on sticks. and put them into a clay pot filled with rice krispies treats to hold them.  these were a HUGE hit!  tic tac kept saying they smelled sooooo good !  (they tasted pretty yummy, too! i might post a tutorial if anyone is interested.)

we did a cupcake tree in lieu of a cake, since i did the cookie planter.  she loved the twisty candles.  it took several tries to get the last candle, though.

her big gift was a new Schwinn tricycle.  it looks like a pink harley!  she had some trouble getting it to go fast, though, so her big brother helped her along.

she loves the cool bell and the dangling cords from the handles.  she is sporting her new dora glasses, too (a gift from the boys).

everyone got to enjoy a cookie.  they were HUGE!

happy birthday, stinkerbell!!  we love you oodles!

getting back there...

lately, i have been sort of missing in action from family life.

i am here physically, but mentally and emotionally, and.. well, especially spiritually, i kind of checked out.

the last few months have been especially hard on all of us. 

we have had so many major stressors in the last year or so, and i think everything just tumbled down onto me at once. 

see, i am really good at pushing the worries and stress way down deep.  but then, as all good volcanoes do, i erupt and pour hot molten lava on everything (and everyone) in my path, leaving a trail of destruction.

i have done lots of damage these last few months in particular.  i had to return to work full time and that was a big adjustment.  the KISA has been working to get his business off the ground, but the only time he can work is when i am not working, so our marriage has taken a hit or two.

it feels like we are in crisis management mode and on auto pilot.

the groceries got so far down the other day, we were out of just about everything.

and i can’t figure out how to get back..

back to where i loved God and prayed to Him and depended on Him. 

back to where i liked my kids and my husband. 

back to where i wanted to do more than eat and lay around and do nothing but watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy (i know, i am really laying it all out there for ya).

back to where my prayer journal had prayers in it. 

and my gratitude list was full of gifts.

back to where i looked forward to spending the evening with my husband.

back to where my smile was genuine, and lit up my face.

maybe i need to stop lamenting about what i left behind and look forward to what is ahead.  it is just that the path seems so gray.  not dark or light... just full of fog. 

God hasn’t left me.  i cannot blame Him.  but somehow, i have to find my way to Him. 

He's here!!!

ahhhh...the moment we were waiting for finally arrived :) our precious little man entered the world in true troublemaker fashion!

vital stats:

8 pounds 14 ounces (!)
20 inches
complications: clavicle fracture from a shoulder dystocia

can i just tell you how glad i was to have had my first/only epidural with this little man? the shoulder sticking under my pubic bone would have been sheer torture without it! never, never thought i would be loving the epidural so much!

pictures will be coming soon, i promise. as soon as i get to feeling a little better, that is! i still have elephant ankles and a sciatica from the depths, but otherwise we are doing superbly :)

it doesn't get any better than this...

in light of my last few posts, that probably seems like we are on the upswing, right?

well, sort of.

lots of things have happened this week. i cannot quite reveal all of the details until one final piece falls into place tomorrow, but i can say that God has been revealing Himself to us in so many ways. like my friend cyndi would say, we are getting to see 'Jesus with skin on' up close and personal.

the little boy in the womb has decided he wants to bring some excitement to our lives. if you call excitement going in to the doctor's office for a 32 week check-up only to be sent directly to the hospital for monitoring and the first of two steroid shots to help baby boy's lungs develop just a teeny bit faster than they would on their own. ripened cervix and dilated to 1-2 cm were not phrases i wanted to hear. but, hey. a little excitement never hurt anyone, right?

so now we are on 'bedrest.' i dread that word. it was hard when i had a 4 and 2 year old when i was pregnant with stinkerbell. and it is even harder with a 7, 4, and 2 year old. thankfully, due to circumstances beyond our control, my hubby has been home for the last 4 weeks and has been able to be the 'mommy' in many ways and significantly lessen my workload.

not his chosen profession, but he does amazingly well at it! i am convinced that if he hadn't been home, the bedrest thing would have happened waaaaay before this.

last time, i wasn't so gracious with asking for help. i was pretty stand-offish, and i am ashamed to admit that. i wasn't quite ready to be humbled and ask for help, even though i desperately needed it. the KISA was 4 hours away training for a new job the monday after i was put on bedrest. we had to have people in the house 24-7. i was very prideful, and usually when pride is involved, grace is not. i hope i have learned my lessons (probably not, but i think i did learn a little). i look back on those days with a lot of regret. thankfully, my friends just stepped up and ran with scheduling so i didn't have to worry about the details. i am not sure what i would have done without them (thanks, tammy and karen!).

regret that i wasn't more thankful toward those who so willingly served us and put up with my moodiness.

regret that i didn't accept more of the help that was offered and limiting the abilities of others to show Christ to us.

regret that i didn't see God actively working in our lives in the midst of it. i can look back now and recount the blessings, but i missed out while it was happening.

so now...what am i doing? advertising our needs :) even though i am a much better giver than receiver, i know that when i find out about a need too late to help with i am always saddened with the thought that i wasn't able to help.

within hours of my first e-mail/facebook post i had an overflowing inbox. the tears coursed down my face as i opened each email and saw the outpouring of prayers, offers of meals, and help with childcare. each day has brought new emails, phone calls and offers of help. i am truly blown away.

God is blessing us in so many ways. more than i can share here yet. but when i tell you the rest of the story, you will be amazed by God's goodness and protection.

He has never, ever let us down.

and He never will.

the BIG 7!

the tootsie pop spiders



my oldest turned 7 this weekend. crazy. my husband and i recounted to him the story of his birth...a pretty quick story, actually, but one that he loved to hear. especially in light of the fact that he has a(nother) little brother coming into the world in 20 weeks, give or take.

he requested a "spider" themed party. we haven't ever given him a party before, except those that involve family. this was indeed new territory for me, and was a tad bit frightening!!

i waited too long to place my order from oriental trading company for all things buggy. silly me. i thought i would be able to find spiders and such at the local hobby lobby, but it was full of christmas stuff, not spooky, creepy crawly things :)

note to self: start encouraging alternate themes for birthday celebrations early on!

anyway!

we had 8 children total, 7 boys and one girl! bless her heart! she jumped right into the creepy crawly stuff!!

we started the time doing bug sun catchers. the paint tubes were a big plus so we wouldn't have to deal with paintbrushes.



then we read a really gross bug book, which the boys all laughed hysterically at and the moms all wrinkled their noses at. (sorry, moms! he asked for it, how could i say no?)

BUGS! by David T Greenberg, scholastic inc.



then we made I Spy bug bottles using small empty G2 bottles, plastic bugs from OTC, and rice.

we had our green spider cake with licorice legs and then spent a LOT of time outdoors running off the sugar!



i think, all in all, it went off pretty well for my first attempt! no one was injured (that i know of) and very few tears were shed. except by me, of course, as i always cry on my babies birthdays! how dare they get any older???

Wednesday's Manna...Learning in Difficult Circumstances

well, it is over.

the visit.

grandma left on saturday, and i have been catching up since then.

cleaning, organizing, catching up on facebook and email.

reflecting.

it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be on some levels.

on other levels, it was worse.

i was not nearly as hospitable as i hoped i would be. i am one of those people who really enjoy my personal space, and i guess i just felt that i couldn't be my self in my home. isn't that what having guests is all about, though?

i also felt like i was performing, and i do not like having to put on an act.

BUT!

i also learned a lot from my MIL

i watched her interact with my children. not just sit on the couch and watch them play.

ahem. i would never do that. sit on the couch that is. ahem.

she got down on the floor and wrestled them (when mommy wasn't in the room, we have a pretty strict-or so i thought-rule about wrestling with girls...), tickled them, read to them, got totally involved with their imaginative play.

i don't do that nearly as often as i should. instead, i bustle around doing chores, tidying up after the kids, doing laundry, making meals, cleaning the kitchen...you know, 'mommy stuff.'

but i watched my kids very happily playing with grandma. vying for her attention, even jealous for it. grandma was first pick for both the boys when it came to reading stories, playing candyland, or who to sit next to at the table. stinkerbell still chose me...thank goodness!

they love their grandma. and i got to see that my own time with my kids was sorely lacking...i don't dig in nearly enough. i am usually just looking for things to occupy their time so i can do other things.

so. thank you, mother-in-law. even though i was apprehensive about your visit, you taught me something about being a better mom.

and i am glad i took the time to see the lesson you were teaching me.

Before I Go...

i was diagnosed with cancer in 1999. melanoma. on my neck. i had two outpatient surgeries to remove the malignancy, and have been cancer free ever since. but tragedies occur every day. we were in a nasty accident in april of this year. it left me a bit shaken. life is oh, so fragile. i only have to read a newspaper or turn on the news to see numerous deaths occur around us. what would happen to my children if, heaven forbid, i was taken from them? if i never got to see them graduate high school or get married and have children, get their driver's license? what if i never got to impart my motherly wisdom? (ok, that is a stretch. i don't have a lot of wisdom, so to speak). i want to be able to share with my children my words as i watch them grow up. and as i discover things about them that are so precious that i want to preserve them. and to tell them about my own mistakes so that they won't make them, hopefully. to share about love and life, and most importantly, about Jesus. so i am starting this blog theme. i do it in a blog, not to get recognition for the writings, but so that i make sure they are preserved. paper yellows and can get burned or damaged. although i do write things to my children in books, i cannot be sure they will survive my life. i know a lot of moms/dads diagnosed with a terminal illness do videos of themselves talking to their children so that their kids will have something to view after their death. i know that i do not currently suffer from any illnesses, but i do not know when my time to go will be, and i want to make sure that i don't waste any time/breath in the here and now.

maybe it will be a keepsake to them when they are older, and if i am blessed enough to be present for all the milestones, i will be able to share with them my thoughts from their childhood. i hope it will be a legacy.

maaaahhhhhmmmmmyyyyyyy

02.30.00 mommy

02.30.15 mo-ommy

02.30.35 MAAAHMMMMMYYYYYYY

02.30.50 yes, love, what's wrong?

'aking chair

ok, love, for a few minutes, then night-night.

02.40.00 good night, love. see you in the morning. *kiss*

02.41.00-02.45.00 mommy....MOMMY....MAAAAHHHHMMMMMYYYYYYY

silence

aahhhhhh

03.30.00 mommy...sob

03.30.15 mo-ommy....sob

03.30.20 come back, mommy...sob

03.30.30 open door...sob

03.31.00 mommy...sob

(continues in this fashion, getting louder, longer and using every word in her vocabulary, which is surprisingly large.)

04.00.00 i am sorry, honey. if i give in to her now, she will do this every night...to my hubby who has to get up at 0445 to get ready for work.

04.15.00 ack! really? is she still at it? she hasn't even taken a breath.

04.16.00. ok, love. goodness. you are so worked up. here, now. calm down. momma's got you. there, now. here's your 'b' shhhhh. (gasp, sob, hiccup, sob, gasp) do you want to come lie down with mommy?

mommy?

yes, and daddy

daddy?

do you want to come to mommy's room?

oom? oom.

ok. let's go.

04.20.00 (daddy) hi, sweetie

no-ooo (it actually has 3 syllables when she says it)

ok.

during this time, stinkerbell decides that she wants to play hide and seek with her toes under my blanket.

why do i even bother trying to sleep?

05.20.00 cereal bar?

are you hungry?

'ungry

ok. let's go.

and so my day is started.

did i mention that bonobo made an appearance at around 2:30 this morning to sleep with us cause he was scared. i let him in our bed for about 10 minutes then tucked him into his own. thankfully without incident.

i am on the 3rd cup of coffee.

there are many more to come. i am sure of it.

on Mother's Day

i woke up yesterday morning to my two boys and smiles with a "happy Mother's Day, mommy" chimed from both of them. i think they said it a few times as i came out of the REM fog. i hugged them both and said 'thank you,' while my Knight got out of bed to get them started on their homemade cards and he could get started on breakfast. he closed the door so i could sleep in. which never happens. i cannot sleep in. our house is way too small for that. so i lay in bed, reflecting on past Mother's Days and how this one compared. my husband has forgotten it on a few occasions, gotten something for me that was more for him (wink, wink) and even given me the same card as the year before.

the next sound i heard was that of paper being pushed underneath the bedroom door. it turns out tic tac was pushing his first attempt at a homemade card under the door for me to see. he was quite distraught as it wasn't perfect (he is a bit ocd about those things). he had messed up on his curly 'm.' we had a discussion through the bottom of the door. touching fingers in the space between the carpet and door so i could reassure him that perfect wasn't what counted, but the thought behind the card. that i would absolutely love anything that he made for me because i knew it was coming from his heart. to which he replied...i will go try a new one! ok. now he is back downstairs, tears all gone as he sets out to make a new one.

then i noticed a haze starting to settle in our room and so i opened the door...yep...the smell of burnt sausage and eggs cooking. my breakfast. i decided to shower so that we might get out the door to church in time. after the shower the haze was definitely worse. so i ventured downstairs where all the windows were open and fans were going to help air out the room. my Knight was slaving over several pans on the stove. everything was quite delicious, even with the bit of char on it :) it was delicious because he made it for me...that doesn't happen very often.

church was good, but i found all the "happy mother's day" wishes a little strange. it isn't about me. it isn't about thanking me for serving my family every day. it isn't about me doing the wash or making the dinners or cleaning the floors. i mean, yes, it is nice to be thanked...don't get me wrong. but, for me, this mother's day was more about thanking God for allowing me this precious gift of motherhood. i am a mom. a mommy. some women never get that chance. but i get to do it. day in and day out. i do get frustrated with the daily tasks. i long for conversation that does not revolve around boogers, poop and who took what toy from whom. i sometimes explode over the noise level in our tiny box of a house. some days seem like they will never end.

but i love being a mom. i love being the steward to these precious little people. i can only pray that i don't mess them up too badly. thank goodness that God can redeem my mistakes along the way. thank God i am a mother.

the cards from my boys were extra special. they expressed why they love me...and, no surprise, it was because of the things i do for them. which is ok with me. because in this season of my life, i am to be taking care of them and protecting them.

and, yes, the card my husband made for me with our computer program was the same as the one he gave me two year's ago :)

goodnight, booger brain

every night my husband does baths with the kids (don't hate me) because he doesn't get much time with them during the day. we share in putting the kids down. i put the baby down because she won't let daddy do it yet. our oldest usually comes downstairs to say goodnight to me and i ask him...what was the best part of your day? and what was the worst part of your day? then we do 'lovin's, kiss and head bonk' and he is off to bed. i get to put our middler down and the conversation usually goes something like this:

me: goodnight, booger brain!
him: goodnight, booger brain poopie head!
me: goodnight, belly button lint!
him: goodnight, belly button shampoopy lint!
me: goodnight, frog slime!
him: goodnight, frog slime poopy lick!

you get the hint. it goes on for quite a while and then i say i love you...to which he replies...i love you shampoopoo head...or some other goofy poop-laden comment...

he is about to turn 4. i wonder how long we will be able to do this routine. i know i am going to miss it when he stops. his goofiness is one of the traits i adore in him. there are lots of things i wish i had paid more attention to as he has grown. i cannot for the life of me remember his first steps, or the last time he breastfed...i am slowly learning, though, that every...single...moment of my children's lives are worth chronicling. i need to stop getting frustrated over the stuff that doesn't really matter anyway and focus on the things that i am going to want to remember when they are grown. like frog slime shampoopy licks.