a new...everything

we did it.
we moved again.

in june 2016 we visited some military friends of ours in texas.  we spent just a few days with them, but i think the area really suited my KISA. fast forward 2 months, and we were talking about a tentative week for him to come out and network a bit to see if what he was dreaming was even plausible. he traveled out to dallas for a week, and he was sold. he came home, contacted a realtor, and the next thing i knew, i was in the lone star state with the stinkerbell looking at homes. by the end of that weekend, we had an accepted offer and the plans were well underway to moving.

we left in may 2017. lots of details that didn't come together, lots of tears shed over friendships that would now be long distance-facebook friends. leaving a job i had had for 7 years. no job in place in the new city. traffic from the depths of sheol. no more mountains. no more snow. stifling heat and humidity.

all the unknowns.
where will i work?
will the kids make new friends?
will the KISA's business plan work?
how will we afford the mortgage?
will we *ever* have a saving's account?
what will we do if stinkerbell's health acts up again?
what will CAP be like in texas?
will our CC community be welcoming?
will we find a church?

the KISA stayed at our home to get it ready to sell...soooooo much work on him to paint, fix, paint some more... only to have it under contract less than 72 hours after it went on the market and closed one month from that.

i started a job in a much busier ER. traumas, strokes, heart attacks, neuro, you name it.  i signed a 2 year contract and took a bonus, so no matter how much i like it (or don't), i am stuck for 24 months. i am counting down the months....

the kids have made some friends... all but stinkerbell. my social butterfly hasn't really made any good friends yet. our CC group has been fine, but all the girls already have their friends and don't seem to have room for another. it brings her to tears often.  we are praying for a sweet friend for her.

the mortgage is getting paid.... i am honestly not sure how. i feel like the widow with the endless oil. somehow the bills are getting covered every month. we just added a car payment (that's a whole other blog post, if i do it without completely throwing my husband under the bus) to the mix...one more thing to worry about.

no. we will never have a savings account. not at this rate.

stinkerbell's health is good thus far. no ER visits. no VCD. no flu... thanking the LORD!

CAP is good here.  tictac has promoted several times, has made several friends, and is eager to go to a special activity over the summer in addition to an encampment.

our new CC family is good.  i feel like i cannot really get to know anyone because our community is HUGE. something like 29 families, i think.  i haven't been able to participate much with the mom's events because i am almost always working. work also keeps me from being at community day a lot, so the KISA has to sit in for me. homeschooling, in general, is trucking along.  i always feel i am not doing enough, though.  thankfully, the kids all excel without my interference, lol.

the church we are attending has been so welcoming and the church family kind and caring. they helped us out of a bind after we first arrived. it was so hard asking for help right out of the chute, but it was so needed. the KISA got some nasty poison oak/sumac/ivy/something right after arriving here while doing some yard work.  it went waaaaay out of control, with swelling all over, weeping skin, antibiotics (twice), steroids, and several days in bed.  our priests visited our home to anoint him and give him communion, as well as providing us with some monetary support.

i wish i could say i was content here in texas. i am trying to be content. but i am so far off the mark with my spiritual life that nothing brings me solace. i need to get back on track, but i have no drive to do so. i feel depressed, anxious, worried all the time. i feel like i am treading water. i feel like i can't complain or even whimper because then my husband feels like it is all his fault. this stinks. i so want to be free of this dankness.

do i dare??

welcome!  this is my attempt at getting back into the blogging world.  a BOY  mom blog hop!  what better way than an introduction to a bunch of new blogs where i can learn, laugh and commiserate? 

this little, unattended blog is about my life as a mom.  as a wife.  as a daughter of the King of Kings.  a homeschooling mom. an ER nurse. all the dirty, nitty gritty details.  the pains and the laughs.  at least, that is what i want it to be about.

i have four children.  TicTac is 9, my firstborn son.  he loves to learn, as long as it is a subject he chooses (i.e. not math). he is eager to make people laugh, although that is not where his gifting lies.  so he is incredibly envious of his younger brother, #2 Bonobo who is 7.  this one... he can make a rock laugh.  he is super silly.  he likes to torture his younger sister, Stinkerbell who is 5.  she is my only girl... poor thing!  she had to give up her spot as the baby when our third boy showed up (thank you DTV). number 3 boy is the Moose!  named for how big he was on his entry (he actually broke his clavicle on the way out) and now it is apt to liken him to the bull moose in a china shop.  he likes to destroy.  

let’s see... games my boys love.  well.  they can turn any animal, vegetable or mineral into something explosive.  they will also turn games like chutes and ladders into war games.  so i am not sure i am qualified to weigh in on this one... they do like playing Monopoly Deal (card game) and Angry Birds, of course.

what else is there to tell you about me and the family?  i have been married for almost 13 years.  my hubby, aka the KISA, is my best partner in crime.  he pitches in when i am at work, and lets me sleep in when i work a mid or night shift.  he does kids baths, cleans toilets and mops kitchen floors (don’t hate me).  he also treats me with respect and loves me even when i don’t deserve it.  i am blessed beyond belief. 

my day is full of the small stuff like laundry, bloody knees, sibling rivalry and the like.  i dream of being the mom who never yells, the wife who always has a hot meal ready and the FlyLady shining sink, and the RN who never loses her cool.  but i am not.  i am an imperfect, human with SIN abounding.  i yell.  i lose my patience.  i have arguments with my husband in my head over stupid little things and then lay into him when he comes home.  there is at least 3 piles of unwashed laundry in the basement.  and 3 more that need to be folded.  i am me.  i think i avoid blogging because i am afraid i will compare myself to others and then be sorely disappointed. 

but... here goes.  another try.  will the blogosphere be forgiving??  we shall see... will i just accept who i am and where i am and be content?  sure hope so.  maybe you will stick it out and see with me... if you have hung in this far, take a look around.  look at some old posts.  maybe you will find a kindred spirit.

for some reason, i cannot get the button to work!  so, if you want to go check out the other Moms in this great hop, go to the MOB Society and join in the fun!!

Eternity doesn’t have plumbing problems!

Satan knows me well.

he knows my weaknesses and how to push my “worry now” button.

not that i have to let him get to me, but he knows exactly what will send me into tears and anxiety and worries.

this last week, he hit me in the finance department.

we have some plumbing issues.  $1400 worth. 

no biggie, right?

but as the plumbers fixed the issues, we discovered a much BIGGER problem. 

the two upstairs baths are leaking sewage into the basement where the pipes all meet up and head out of the house.  this happens to be in a small closet in my husband’s office. right next to the boys’ room.

drip. drip. drip.

ewwwwww.

haven’t been able to get an estimate yet.  apparently all the plumbing from the sinks, bathtub and 2 toilets have to be replaced.  it requires permits, and holes in the walls and floor. 

sigh. 

and this right on the heels of replacing our gas stove because it is really, really old and burns little hands if touched when the oven is on.

oh, yeah, and we went ahead and got the new dishwasher because we thought we were in a good place to do so and my husband really hates doing dishes by hand! (i love that man!!)

oh, and did i mention that my husband’s car needed new brakes?

and that i am making a trip out to north carolina to visit my uncle who has taken a significant turn for the worse with his ALS and is now on Hospice?

*sigh*

satan knows just how to push me over the edge.

thank goodness, my GOD is so much bigger than all of this.

it is only money.

this is only a temporary home.

eternity won’t have any plumbing issues!

i have a hope, a secure place in Heaven because i love my Savior and believe He died for me on the cross, and rose again!

the Holy Spirit can take this on for me and relieve me of my worries.

thank you, GOD!

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Ps 31:24

getting back there...

lately, i have been sort of missing in action from family life.

i am here physically, but mentally and emotionally, and.. well, especially spiritually, i kind of checked out.

the last few months have been especially hard on all of us. 

we have had so many major stressors in the last year or so, and i think everything just tumbled down onto me at once. 

see, i am really good at pushing the worries and stress way down deep.  but then, as all good volcanoes do, i erupt and pour hot molten lava on everything (and everyone) in my path, leaving a trail of destruction.

i have done lots of damage these last few months in particular.  i had to return to work full time and that was a big adjustment.  the KISA has been working to get his business off the ground, but the only time he can work is when i am not working, so our marriage has taken a hit or two.

it feels like we are in crisis management mode and on auto pilot.

the groceries got so far down the other day, we were out of just about everything.

and i can’t figure out how to get back..

back to where i loved God and prayed to Him and depended on Him. 

back to where i liked my kids and my husband. 

back to where i wanted to do more than eat and lay around and do nothing but watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy (i know, i am really laying it all out there for ya).

back to where my prayer journal had prayers in it. 

and my gratitude list was full of gifts.

back to where i looked forward to spending the evening with my husband.

back to where my smile was genuine, and lit up my face.

maybe i need to stop lamenting about what i left behind and look forward to what is ahead.  it is just that the path seems so gray.  not dark or light... just full of fog. 

God hasn’t left me.  i cannot blame Him.  but somehow, i have to find my way to Him. 

Wednesday's Manna

i attended a moms group wednesday morning at our church. it was very fruitful, and i think i gathered manna that was both nourishing and challenging. the topic for the morning was how to be busy at home. the scripture reference was from Titus 2.3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

several questions were posed to us as moms of young children (birth-6ish). i thought they were worth pursuing on a deeper level. i think it would do my heart good to see what God has in store for me as i answer them for myself. i want to be honest with Him, first and foremost. and i may even share the answers with my husband. if i answer them and do nothing, i lose out on the blessing of character change *wince* that God has in store for me. below are the questions.

1. What does being busy in your home look like?
2. Who or what has inspired you to be content working at home?
3. What has God shown you to focus on in the home?
4. What things tempt you away from you priorities in the home and what do you do to fend off the temptations?

the last one is going to be the one that challenges me the most, i think. i let a lot of things get in the way of my daily duties in the home. identifying the things that get in the way should be easy. changing them is a whole other ball game.