...all the time

the last several weeks have had their ups and downs.  a daughter who has a chronic illness that impacts just about everything we do.  a father who had to jump off an overturning ATV, only to roll down a steep embankment, job insecurities, strained relationships, a family vacation, friends who jump to when we are in need (even when we don't know we need it).

and through all of it... God IS good.  all.  the.  time.

HE has never left us.  even though i often don't stand by Him.
HE has always loved us.  even though i don't love Him.
HE has never faltered.  even though i fail Him daily.
HE has always remained steadfast.  even though i ebb and flow like the tide.
HE will always be there.  even though i constantly rely on me.
HE is.

all the time.

the next next time

today was church. dad is out of town, so i am solo today. he is enjoying the beach and his family, who we live too far away from to visit with any regularity. i dropped off the oldest son and our onliest daughter in the alley next to the building so she wouldn't have to walk too far. walking makes the spasms in her vocal cords so much worse. she coughs eternal, it seems. this is new territory for us. way different than last years coughing spells. last year, when she stopped moving, the coughing ceased. now she can go for hours coughing at a rate of 60 coughs a minute. these episodes scare the crap out of me. this morning was no different.

we showed up to Sunday School at 10, ready to go, and coughing all the while. i had a quick discussion with her sunday school teachers, explaining the condition "Vocal Cord Dysfunction." i feel like i am talking into one of those microphones that alters your voice to sound like a circus tent announcer from the looks i receive. but they are gracious. most in the church are sympathetic pray-ers for my daughter, esp after i wrote a letter about 1.5 years ago to the congregation about the stinkerbell's asthma struggles. she coughs, it's her norm now, and we just have to go on with our lives. Sunday school went relatively well. the kids in her class (it's a small one) are used to her wearing a mask and don't skip a beat. she is pretty comfortable there. as her teacher said "she handles it really well." i am the one who handles it poorly. i hate seeing her cough and miss out on stuff or get looked at like she has some contagious disease.

church is another matter. we sit in the side room so that we aren't disturbing the quiet of the sanctuary. there are open arch windows between the two halls, so people can still hear her, just not as clearly. one lady gets up from our side and moves to the other room during the opening prayer. i guess the noise is too distracting for her. most, again, are generous. we get lots of "poor thing" and "we are praying for her" and "have you tried (fill in the blank with whatever is the latest oil trend)?" it gets exhausting and after we leave the sanctuary, i have to go to the bathroom to cry.

i so want this to be done. for her sake. it is exhausting for her little body physically to continue coughing with this intensity and regularity. it is exhausting for us as a family to keep explaining. to pretend the whispers and stares don't matter. to wait not knowing what will work and what won't. to realize i have been holding my breath when she coughs because i don't breathe until she stops coughing. it is exhausting not knowing what will set it off next time. it is exhausting waiting for the next next time.

miss it

i miss blogging.  i miss having some time to catalog our life.  i feel like i am cheating my kids out of memories they could have.  this time with them is flying by so stinkin’ fast.  i don’t know how i will remember everything.  i feel like i can only recall some of their early years.  i want to remember more.  i want to write it all down.  take lots more pictures.  hug them more.  kiss them more.  play more.  because it is all speeding by me. 

Far, But Near

so i haven’t posted to this blog in a very long while.  but it has come to my attention, albeit in a sarcastic and quite unexpected email, that my (lack of) communication leaves some wanting.  in short, i haven’t done a very good job of balancing my home life with that of my extended family.  so, i am going to try to remedy that.  somehow.  not sure if this will work or not.  as i am just as busy as i ever was with being a wife, mom, RN, homeschooler, homemaker, and all the other tasks that are on my plate. 

but i am going to try. 

caveat:

please don’t hold me to a lofty expectation.  like posting every day (or week). or calling on the phone regularly.  or writing thank you notes on time (or even at all).  because i am just not good at that kind of thing.  i never have been.  getting married and having 4 children did not change that in me.  if anything, i am worse at it now than i ever have been.

please, don’t think that my lack of communication means i love you any less.  i have my regrets.  i know i didn’t do right by my uncle before he died.  i know i didn’t do enough with my grandmother before she died.  i know i could be calling more, or sacrificing more, or visiting more.

please, don’t let the burden be only on me. you are just as responsible for keeping in touch as i am.  and to be sure, if you found me lacking, maybe you should take the plank out of your own eye before pointing out mine. eh?

so. here goes.

and let me tell you.  i will not hide my faith any longer from you.  i will no longer shrink in fear that you won’t approve of my parenting skills, or my abilities as a wife.  my finances aren’t your business.  my church home isn’t your business.  if i choose to spend my free time with my husband instead of indulging in “me” time, that is my business also.  i am tired of trying to gloss over who i am just so you will accept me.  doesn’t work anyway.  i cannot pretend any longer that i am the daughter/sister you dream of.  sorry i disappoint so. 

whew.  now that is out of the way, let’s get on with filling you in on the details of our lives.  if you are brave enough.

the big pink elephant

 

it is the day after christmas.

i survived the day with my family.  but it wasn’t easy.

we started off the day at about 0930.  the roads were slick with snow covered ice.  about 15 minutes into the drive we discovered that our windshield wipers weren’t working properly.  we had no wiper fluid coming out at all.  this has happened to us once before, and it turned out the fuse had blown.  same issue now.  so, everytime a car passed us, it kicked up dirt and snow, and it left a brown film on the windshield we could not get off.  so we had to pull over every now and again to clean it off by hand with an increasingly grimy towel. 

we got to my parents after a few slip and slides.  they live about 80 miles from us, 10 or so of it is dirt road, a few hairpin turns, big trucks driving overconfidently.  we pulled into their drive and i breathed a sigh of relief.  my sister’s car wasn’t in sight, so i knew she wasn’t there yet.  i could relax.  the knots in my stomach had been wreaking havoc the whole drive.

i had to use the bathroom pretty badly (shame on me for drinking my 2 cups of coffee)  so i ran into the house right after we pulled in.  there on the couch is my sister, greeting me with a “Merry Christmas” and a big smile.

wha??? i thought she was done with me.   i ran into the bathroom and sat down, very puzzled.  i was taken quite off guard and didn’t know how to respond. 

when i got back out to the living room, my KISA and kids were in, and everyone was greeting everyone.  small talk... how were the roads? how did the kids do for the drive?  how much snow did you get? blah, blah, blah.

the rest of the day was so uneventful.  she said very little to me, and i said next to nothing to her.  i distributed presents to my mom, dad, and sister.  i received a present from my mom and dad.  the kids all opened their gifts, then fell to playing with them.  the plan was to eat dinner around 2 pm, so we could be on the road shortly after 3.  my oldest sat at the adult table in the dining room and i sat at the little’s table in the kitchen.  he was thrilled to be with the grown ups and nobody even seemed to notice that i wasn’t there. 

the most awkward moment was the good-bye.  my husband distributed hugs all around, as did the kiddos.  i hugged my mom and dad, but could not bring myself to hug my sister.  i did manage to raise up my eyes to hers and say, “thank you for dinner.”  i knew she had done just about all of it without help.  if my family of 6 hadn’t been there they probably would not have gone all out. 

the drive home was quiet.  all the kids crashed and i was able to reflect on the day.

*i wasn’t able to finish this blog post when i started it.  it is now jan 3rd.  i still haven’t heard from my sister.  i don’t know if i will at all.  i am still under the impression that she won’t accept and calls or emails.  we did send a thank you letter to her and my parents.  i am no longer losing sleep over it, and it is not my every waking thought.  i am just trusting the Holy Spirit to give me the words i need when the situation arises.  i just have to remember that she doesn’t have the grace of Jesus in her heart. and that maybe it is my time to show her.

a ? merry christmas...

so, my sister isn’t talking to me.

more specifically, she wrote an email detailing my faults and then closed it with the proclamation that she would not answer any calls from me, nor would she open any emails from me.

the email was hurtful.  she brought up my relationships with family members who are long dead and buried.  she made heady accusations and then left absolutely no room for me to defend myself, or even to own up to the partial truths that were buried in her spiteful words.

her email has haunted me since it arrived.  i have cried oceans of tears.  i have had many a sleepless night.  it is obvious from her tone that i have hurt her.  that is horrible.  i am grieved that i hurt her so.  the kicker is that i didn’t even know i hurt her.  until the email.

apparently there were expectations placed upon me.  ones i didn’t know about.  ones that changed up how our relationship had always been.  and no one let me in on the upgrade.  and when i didn’t meet those expectations, the volcano erupted and covered me in a sea of hot lava.  it burns.

and now?  now i have to go play nice at the Christmas family gathering on tuesday.  pretend like all is well.  because, of course, she will be there.  just thinking about it ties me into knots.  i have had a constant headache since the email arrived.  my sleep is fitful.  my waking mind has spent hours on responding, if i even get the chance. 

and only a few of the 100 or so scenarios i a have concocted in my head are a chrisitan response. 

i think that is what bothers me most.  that i cannot just let this go. that i cannot extend to her the grace and mercy that has been extended to me through Jesus’ death on the cross.  that i am unable to fix my mind on the things of God.  on what is good, pure, noble, admirable.  on Jesus. 

would you please pray for me?  i am struggling so much with how i am to act and feel.  i am hurting so much and i am afraid that i will speak with anger and hurt instead of words of grace.  she is not a believer.  she does not know what true mercy is.  if i could be a witness for Jesus that would be my desire. 

“I need help to throw up...”

it was 12:30 in the morning. 

i woke up to my oldest hovering over me...”mommy, i threw up.”

to be honest, my first thoughts were not about his well being. they were about where he threw up so i would know what i needed to clean it up.

selfish, i know.

turns out he managed to get it on the floor, and the bed was spared.

i head downstairs with him and plop him on the couch with a blanket while i arm myself with cleaner, towels, a spatula (very convenient for lifting vomit off the carpet...you’re welcome) and a bucket.  a very large mess awaited me.  took me a while to clean it up.

in the meantime, he is moaning on the couch.

finally, i can focus on him and his needs.  we decide he can sleep in his room, as long as he has a bucket handy.  i head upstairs to wake up dad and tell him i will be sleeping on the couch downstairs to be close by.

turns out, it was a good thing.  he threw up every 15 minutes for the next several hours.  we fell asleep around 5am.  with everyone else in the house getting up at 6, it didn’t leave me much opportunity to sleep.  he continued to throw up after that for another hour or so. 

one thing struck me later on. he kept calling for me to “help me throw up.”

what??

i can’t help him throw up.

it isn’t as if he needs me to hold the bucket or hold hair out of the way (remember when? i wasn’t always a good girl...)

but he wanted me... his mother... to be with him.  to wipe his mouth.  to rub his back. to be near.

to be honest, i have been failing at this more often than not. it is why i have been avoiding writing or sharing with others about my truly personal life.  i have been quite absent. 

oh, i am here physically.  on the computer or kindle fire or facebook.  doing tasks like making dinner and laundry and cleaning.  yelling at them to do what they are told.

not here for them.  what they need is me, close by, involved with their play, their interests, their failures. 

and they need me to be a loving, grace-giving mommy who isn’t irritated all the time by being interrupted.

i am ashamed to write these words, because in doing so, i am reflecting on how much i have neglected my children (and my husband, to be honest) in being here, but not here. 

i am not quite sure how to “check back in” except to just become more intentional with spending time with them.  finding ways to include them in the little tasks that consume so much of me.  devoting more of me to their schooling than just breaking out a few workbooks for them to do. 

one day at a time.

i think sometimes i don’t do those things because i might (will probably) fail miserably.  and instead of letting them see that side of me, i give them the less attached version... how backwards is that??

Heavenly Father,

i know i am not living up to a godly example of a mom to my children. i have neglected my relationship with You, and it is spilling over into every aspect of my life.  the people i hold closest in this life, i am also holding at bay so i don’t fail in front of them.  in doing so, i am damaging relationships. please help me to restore my relationship with You, so that i can restore relationships with them.

lost, not found

my 6 year old and i were reading Bible before bed the other night.  he has the Message for kids, which is full of good stories, engaging pictures, and good prayer prompts at the end of each story.

we read about zacchaeus, and the prayer prompt was to pray for someone we know who doesn’t believe in Jesus.  he wasn’t sure who to pray for, as most of the folks we know and fellowship with are believers (i was pretty convicted about this, more to come later).  i told him we could pray for my mom and dad and sister, his grandparents and auntie, as they did not know Jesus. 

my son let this sink in as we prayed, and suddenly, he began to cry.  heart wrenching tears, sobs even.  my husband could hear them upstairs.

it hit him like a ton of bricks.  grandma and grandpa  and auntie won’t be in heaven with us.  they would be in hell.

this child of mine is stubborn.  i have written about him in the past.  his stubbornness usually gets him into lots of trouble. but, in the midst of even the worst day, he usually surprises me with some deep insight about God.  one day, he even knelt in humility in prayer after we had had a long, difficult discipline session.  he always catches me off guard with his insight, and tonight was no exception.

he started scheming, how we could get them to come to church and have our pastor tell them about Jesus.  how we could take our bibles with us to Christmas at their house and read to them about Jesus.  how we could send them Christmas cards with Bible verses in them to tell them about Jesus.  he wants to DO something.

i told him the best thing we could do is PRAY for them, fervently.  and for as long as it takes.

he didn’t like that answer, as it didn’t involve an immediate payoff.  but we talked about how BIG God is, and how only HE can change a heart and soften it toward the Good News of Jesus. 

Fast forward two days.  my dad was here for a quick visit while my mom was in the hospital for an outpatient procedure.  on the way out, my 6 year old boy, unashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ, asks my dad the question i have never had the courage to ask:

Grandpa, why don’t you believe in Jesus?

what followed was a bunch of awkward silence from me, dagger looks from my dad to me as he said “Who said i don’t believe in Jesus?  I believe there is something up there.”  and a quick exit on his part. 

i have no idea how my dad feels about that question, other than to be really angry it was even asked at all.  my dad does believe in something, just not the gospel truth of Jesus coming to earth and dying for our sins.  he believes you get to heaven if you are “good enough” and he doesn’t think he is good enough.

my son, my bold, stubborn, beautiful child, broke through a wall that day. 

i fear for our visit on Christmas day.  all of my children are now plotting to share the truth of Jesus to my family.  i have no idea how it will be received, what my parents will say in response, or how injured my children will feel if hurtful things are said. 

i have no idea how to prepare them for the possibility that their words will not be received with grateful hearts.  that they may not accept Jesus as their Savior. 

i feel like i am rambling here.. i guess i am writing this simply to ask for prayer.  prayer that tender hearts won’t get trampled on as they witness to loved ones.  prayer that their words would be received by open and softened hearts.  prayer that i would be bold, like them, and stop fearing the worst.  prayer that i would not be ashamed of the gospel. 

 

If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. Lk 9:26

sheltering his heart

my heart is breaking for my dear little boy. 

the one who isn’t so little anymore.

the one who like to pour through any and all books.

he was looking through a collection of New York Times front pages today. it is a book his daddy got as a present several years ago.  it is truly fascinating to look through, and he does so often.

today, i heard him quietly crying from the downstairs. 

i called to him, and he said it was something he had to show me, he couldn’t explain.

i went down to him and he showed me a picture of a building that had been bombed.  below that graphic picture was a horrifying picture of a man holding a small child, not more than a few months old. 

the man was cradling a limp child and getting ready to hand the babe over to an EMS worker.

even in black and white it was evident there was blood on both the man and child.

and my own child had tears streaming down his face.

oh, that i could protect him from the terrors of this world.  that i could shelter him from the evil things that people do to each other.

but i cannot.  bad things happen.  our family will likely survive a tragedy of some sort.  probably not on such a grand scale, but a tragedy nonetheless. 

how do i prepare his young heart and mind to absorb it all? 

we don’t watch TV, they don’t see the news, and they rarely hear anything other than HisKids or audio books. 

but i still cannot protect him from everything.

i had to tell him that i was sorry he had to see that picture, but that bad things happen.  evil exists in this world because of the fall.  we live in a sinful world.

the good news, i told him, lies in Jesus Christ.  that He came to save us from our own sin, from our own selves.  He lived a sinless life, died a horrible death, and was resurrected by the Father God.  He now stands in the gap that sin created.  He spans that great chasm for us, so that we might stand before God and be free from the wrath that comes from our sinful lives.  He takes our place. 

my son doesn’t quite understand this yet.  he wants to mete out his own justice and seek revenge on the people who caused the death and destruction he saw in those images.  i can only pray that i will continue to be able to direct him gently and show him who God is and how Jesus can be his Savior. 

that and cry with him when his heart hurts so much he cannot even find words to speak what is on his heart. 

turning 4...

our only girl turned 4!!  cannot believe it.  we relived the day of her births, the bedrest leading up to it, all the turmoil and family junk that transpired those last few months of my pregnancy with her. 

but now we have her!  and i couldn’t be more torn between happiness and sadness that my little girl is now 4.  she is still full of sweetness and sometimes vinegar.  she has a smile that lights up any room, and a selfless disposition (as long as it doesn’t involve her animals!) she loves all things pink and purple, and yet can play with the hot wheels like a pro.  i love her dearly and cannot imagine our home without her.

here are a few pics from her birth-day day! 

i made flower cookies on sticks. and put them into a clay pot filled with rice krispies treats to hold them.  these were a HUGE hit!  tic tac kept saying they smelled sooooo good !  (they tasted pretty yummy, too! i might post a tutorial if anyone is interested.)

we did a cupcake tree in lieu of a cake, since i did the cookie planter.  she loved the twisty candles.  it took several tries to get the last candle, though.

her big gift was a new Schwinn tricycle.  it looks like a pink harley!  she had some trouble getting it to go fast, though, so her big brother helped her along.

she loves the cool bell and the dangling cords from the handles.  she is sporting her new dora glasses, too (a gift from the boys).

everyone got to enjoy a cookie.  they were HUGE!

happy birthday, stinkerbell!!  we love you oodles!

avoidance and change

i have been avoiding my blog.

we have so much going on right now, i have not wanted to stop and process it.

everything seems to be coming to a head, and i do NOT want to stop and think.

cuz it hurts.

changes are coming and they are drastic.

change #1. we are relocating. not just changing houses, but across a few states.

i guess i shouldn't complain too much about this one. at least we have a place to go to instead of just losing our home and having to rent (which we couldn't qualify for now anyway) or live with some kind-hearted soul who doesn't mind my four VERY loud kids. we know we have church family here who would open their doors in a heartbeat, but that always proves to strain friendships over time.

we kept our home in colorado, and so we are able to pick up and move back.

this is a good thing for a lot of reasons. we will have a bigger house with a full basement and a huge utility area with an oversized 2 car garage. best thing about the house is the YARD!! the development we live in here has very little yard with NO landscaping. we have huge trees in our other home and a play structure and bushes and, according to the boys, the best part is the snails, slugs and worms that can be found year round :)

at least the kids are excited!

change #2

i have to go back to work full-time. at least for now. the KISA is starting a CFO business, and it will take a while to get it going. although, at least in CO he already has a great network. and it seems like it is all about who you know. he has a good head start there. here it is like being a minnow in a huge ocean with thousands of other minnows all looking for the same food (yes, i know there are lots of problems with that analogy). the competition there is a lot less numerous.

i am at odds with this change #2. i am heartbroken that i will not be at home 24-7 to care for my children. i feel fortunate that my KISA will be home when i am not, but that is still not a replacement for MOMMY. i am grateful that i am an RN and jobs are easier to find (not as easy as it used to be, but it is still easier than most professions). i am hoping to work at the same hospital i did several years ago.

i have laid my desires at the foot of the cross, however, and i am trusting that HE knows more than me, and that HE will bring us through this. we will be stronger on the other side. i will have more faith in HIS provision. my husband will know that i will stick by him, just like our vows said : for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.

as i sort through more, i will probably post more. forgive the crazy ramblings. if i don't make a whole lot of sense, well, that is because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

change #1 brings about a whole host of other problems with it:

• being nearer to my family (parents and sib)

• leaving a solid, reformed church with genuine worship

• leaving an amazing support system that has lifted us up in all ways imaginable

• new homeschooling laws

• less homeschooling support

• a need to be WAY more organized so that our schooling doesn't fall behind

• a need to be a better housekeeper and meal planner so that life continues smoothly

• a need to declutter and pack and throw away and give away

and a NEED to grow closer to the Father... i cannot let the busy-ness of this time rob me of what is most important.

i am sure there is so much more, but i cannot wrap my heart around it yet, let alone my head.

the gift from my Father...

the other day was hard for my 5 year old. he has a temper that steamrolls. he mows down anyone or anything in his path and then it gets even worse as the consequences start. we have had this problem for some time, and have recently devoted it to regular prayer.

i am sure you can picture it. we told him to leave the table where his older sib and daddy were playing a game because he kept bumping the board pieces.

so he started by stomping. that earned him a sit-down on the stool to cool-off. not happening. he sat down on the stool and started making up curse words to spit at us through clenched teeth and grabbed the sides of the stool and started making it jump underneath him and moving it across the floor.

we then sent him to the laundry area to calm down before the rest of his consequence was delivered, and he decided he would pick up the trash can and throw it, then the bathroom door got slammed against the wall, and the bathroom rug was pulled out from underneath the bathroom stool with great force. seriously?

this all occurred in the grand total of 20 seconds, so i think we just watched with our mouths open in shock. it took a little while to register what happened.

we disciplined him and then he had to spend the afternoon in his room. i went up to talk with him, bible in hand, and we read some out of Prov 17 and 18. several of the verses applied and we talked them over. then we prayed and he asked if he could go down and apologize to daddy for his attitude. by all means!! he has the hardest time apologizing without falling down in fear, so i was excited to see him want to 'make it right' without any prompting from me.

fast forward to dinner. as the KISA is praying for dinner, bonobo gets out of his chair and onto the bench. i start to chastise him when i realize what he is doing.

he kneels on the bench, folds his hands, and leans over to put his forehead on the bench.

rewind to our talk on his bedroom floor. he had asked me if this (the position i described above) was a good way to pray. i told him it was, and that it showed humility before our Lord.

fast forward again.

my son wants to be on his knees and face before God while we give thanks for our dinner.

i teared up.

then the tears fell. (the kids were pretty baffled about why i was crying over meatballs)

they are falling now as i write this.

we so worry about our 5 year old's heart before the Lord. he just seems so angry all the time. so rebellious. so defiant. not wanting anyone in authority over him.

and yet. God gave me a glimpse of how He is working in our son's life and heart.

just as we have asked Him to do.

thank you, Lord, for being faithful to answer prayers and showing us in tangible ways how you are working.

He's here!!!

ahhhh...the moment we were waiting for finally arrived :) our precious little man entered the world in true troublemaker fashion!

vital stats:

8 pounds 14 ounces (!)
20 inches
complications: clavicle fracture from a shoulder dystocia

can i just tell you how glad i was to have had my first/only epidural with this little man? the shoulder sticking under my pubic bone would have been sheer torture without it! never, never thought i would be loving the epidural so much!

pictures will be coming soon, i promise. as soon as i get to feeling a little better, that is! i still have elephant ankles and a sciatica from the depths, but otherwise we are doing superbly :)

God's protection

well. it is done. the month-long drama that has pretty much consumed our household is complete.

a little over four weeks ago, my husband came home from work in the middle of the day pending an HR investigation. after a week, we were finally enlightened as to the nature of the allegations, and they were as we had suspected. i cannot go into major specifics, but it involved sharing his faith. needless to say, we were floored.

through all of this, we have seen God's hand over us time and time again.

first, the KISA was sent home on paid administrative leave. translation: staycation at full rate.

second, our church body rallied around us like nobody's business and covered us in prayer.

third, i was able to take much needed breaks throughout his time home so that my pregnant body could rest.

fourth, and the biggest: God has provided a new job for my husband that takes us in an entirely new career direction. he is almost done with his Master's degree in Accountancy, and he has been trying to figure out for a while how to break into the field without any accounting experience. his job starts on monday.

we know it is a God thing for many reasons. for one thing, he doesn't have any experience. most of these firms hire young, newly graduated kids looking for internships (which we could never do with how big a pay cut it would be).

another thing is that although he felt he did well during the interview portion of the morning, he totally bombed the computer testing. since he hadn't been involved in accounting, he was totally unfamiliar with the software. he really thought as he left that he would never get the job. but, he did.

the best part of all of this? God is leaving no room for us to be bitter. not toward his former employer, not toward his accuser, nothing. we will never know what the resolution of the investigation would have been because he resigned before it was completed. God is very gracious. i am so grateful to Him for taking this from us before we could grow vengeful or second guess our actions. i can pray for his accuser without any hard feelings or sorrow over our situation.

God is good. He always has been, He always will be. there is no doubt in my mind that God knows how human i really am and how easy it would have been for me to lay blame and be angry. His protection always amazes me.

and i am so glad i get to see it.

it doesn't get any better than this...

in light of my last few posts, that probably seems like we are on the upswing, right?

well, sort of.

lots of things have happened this week. i cannot quite reveal all of the details until one final piece falls into place tomorrow, but i can say that God has been revealing Himself to us in so many ways. like my friend cyndi would say, we are getting to see 'Jesus with skin on' up close and personal.

the little boy in the womb has decided he wants to bring some excitement to our lives. if you call excitement going in to the doctor's office for a 32 week check-up only to be sent directly to the hospital for monitoring and the first of two steroid shots to help baby boy's lungs develop just a teeny bit faster than they would on their own. ripened cervix and dilated to 1-2 cm were not phrases i wanted to hear. but, hey. a little excitement never hurt anyone, right?

so now we are on 'bedrest.' i dread that word. it was hard when i had a 4 and 2 year old when i was pregnant with stinkerbell. and it is even harder with a 7, 4, and 2 year old. thankfully, due to circumstances beyond our control, my hubby has been home for the last 4 weeks and has been able to be the 'mommy' in many ways and significantly lessen my workload.

not his chosen profession, but he does amazingly well at it! i am convinced that if he hadn't been home, the bedrest thing would have happened waaaaay before this.

last time, i wasn't so gracious with asking for help. i was pretty stand-offish, and i am ashamed to admit that. i wasn't quite ready to be humbled and ask for help, even though i desperately needed it. the KISA was 4 hours away training for a new job the monday after i was put on bedrest. we had to have people in the house 24-7. i was very prideful, and usually when pride is involved, grace is not. i hope i have learned my lessons (probably not, but i think i did learn a little). i look back on those days with a lot of regret. thankfully, my friends just stepped up and ran with scheduling so i didn't have to worry about the details. i am not sure what i would have done without them (thanks, tammy and karen!).

regret that i wasn't more thankful toward those who so willingly served us and put up with my moodiness.

regret that i didn't accept more of the help that was offered and limiting the abilities of others to show Christ to us.

regret that i didn't see God actively working in our lives in the midst of it. i can look back now and recount the blessings, but i missed out while it was happening.

so now...what am i doing? advertising our needs :) even though i am a much better giver than receiver, i know that when i find out about a need too late to help with i am always saddened with the thought that i wasn't able to help.

within hours of my first e-mail/facebook post i had an overflowing inbox. the tears coursed down my face as i opened each email and saw the outpouring of prayers, offers of meals, and help with childcare. each day has brought new emails, phone calls and offers of help. i am truly blown away.

God is blessing us in so many ways. more than i can share here yet. but when i tell you the rest of the story, you will be amazed by God's goodness and protection.

He has never, ever let us down.

and He never will.

roller coasters in the dark...

we have had a bad wednesday.

and thursday...

and friday.

saturday, well, today we are a tad more normal, but only because we are putting significant effort into it.

we have been snappy with each other and the kids.

we are stressed out.

it is like riding a roller coaster in the dark.

i don't like riding roller coasters in broad daylight. you know. the click, click, click noise as you travel upward and wait for the last millisecond to go over the edge and the fly down at wretching speeds only to take a sudden hairpin turn.

now add the dark.

right now we are on the click, click, click part of the ride. wednesday afternoon around 2 pm, we got on the ride. thursday was all uphill. so was friday.

in the midst of this we are waiting for the drop. will it be exhilarating or totally frightening?

we are trying so hard to focus our eyes on Jesus through all of this. it is a moment by moment struggle. to be honest, i think i am managing better than my KISA, but only because the situation is all about him. i am just collateral damage. as are my children.

he is worried, but trying to be hopeful.

he is stressed, but trying to rest in God's promises.

i can only stand by in prayer and love and support him through it all.

but, jeez. i want to get off this ride already.

the BIG 7!

the tootsie pop spiders



my oldest turned 7 this weekend. crazy. my husband and i recounted to him the story of his birth...a pretty quick story, actually, but one that he loved to hear. especially in light of the fact that he has a(nother) little brother coming into the world in 20 weeks, give or take.

he requested a "spider" themed party. we haven't ever given him a party before, except those that involve family. this was indeed new territory for me, and was a tad bit frightening!!

i waited too long to place my order from oriental trading company for all things buggy. silly me. i thought i would be able to find spiders and such at the local hobby lobby, but it was full of christmas stuff, not spooky, creepy crawly things :)

note to self: start encouraging alternate themes for birthday celebrations early on!

anyway!

we had 8 children total, 7 boys and one girl! bless her heart! she jumped right into the creepy crawly stuff!!

we started the time doing bug sun catchers. the paint tubes were a big plus so we wouldn't have to deal with paintbrushes.



then we read a really gross bug book, which the boys all laughed hysterically at and the moms all wrinkled their noses at. (sorry, moms! he asked for it, how could i say no?)

BUGS! by David T Greenberg, scholastic inc.



then we made I Spy bug bottles using small empty G2 bottles, plastic bugs from OTC, and rice.

we had our green spider cake with licorice legs and then spent a LOT of time outdoors running off the sugar!



i think, all in all, it went off pretty well for my first attempt! no one was injured (that i know of) and very few tears were shed. except by me, of course, as i always cry on my babies birthdays! how dare they get any older???

missing my KISA

my KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) is gone this week.

5 days without him.

5 days with all 3 kids and first trimester nausea/exhaustion/emotions...24/7

i don't know about you, but i depend on my husband for a lot.

he takes the pressure off of being a perfect mom. cause i am not, and if i was left to my own devices i would be comparing myself to all those amazing mamas out there who have it all together.

he helps out so much with the kids in the evening, even though he is tired from an 11-12 hour day with a commute.

and lately?

well, lately, i have been less than the generous wife. i have retreated to the bedroom to lay down in hopes of catching up on the dead-on-my-feet feeling. that and the ever-present nausea that makes me just one miserable lump.

the last few weeks i haven't been able to do most of the things a homemaker should, at least not well.

well, he has been a trooper. he has let me take my naps on the weekend and done bath duty at night so that i wouldn't have to smell the children's shampoo and body wash.

he has foregone fried eggs in the mornings so that i don't smell them all day. he has put up with leftovers and sandwiches for dinner many times so that i wouldn't have to smell dinner cooking.

and now, he is gone for 5 whole days.

i think i needed to be reminded of how much he does and how little i appreciate him. he is indeed my KISA, and i am hoping that he knows deep down how much he is loved and needed.

God paired us together 11 years ago, and for that i am ever grateful.

even if i forget to tell him so.

i love you, honey. travel safe and come home soon.

update on Mr DTV

a while ago i wrote a thank you letter to the powers that be for helping me get rid of the TV. if you want to read it, go here. i will wait. i am listening to "The Father's Love" on Sovereign Grace's new cd, Sons and Daughters, and i want to dance around a bit anyway.

ok. are you up to speed? did you pay attention to all the things i was going to do in lieu of watching television? i have managed to do several of the things on the list. working on my bible study, reading more books (i am in the chronicles of narnia right now, book 6), and playing games with my husband (wink, and no wink). and you know what happened?

well (blush)...

we got pregnant.

yup.

#4 is on the way and due in april 2010.

that is what happens when you free up your evenings!

Wednesday's Manna...Learning in Difficult Circumstances

well, it is over.

the visit.

grandma left on saturday, and i have been catching up since then.

cleaning, organizing, catching up on facebook and email.

reflecting.

it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be on some levels.

on other levels, it was worse.

i was not nearly as hospitable as i hoped i would be. i am one of those people who really enjoy my personal space, and i guess i just felt that i couldn't be my self in my home. isn't that what having guests is all about, though?

i also felt like i was performing, and i do not like having to put on an act.

BUT!

i also learned a lot from my MIL

i watched her interact with my children. not just sit on the couch and watch them play.

ahem. i would never do that. sit on the couch that is. ahem.

she got down on the floor and wrestled them (when mommy wasn't in the room, we have a pretty strict-or so i thought-rule about wrestling with girls...), tickled them, read to them, got totally involved with their imaginative play.

i don't do that nearly as often as i should. instead, i bustle around doing chores, tidying up after the kids, doing laundry, making meals, cleaning the kitchen...you know, 'mommy stuff.'

but i watched my kids very happily playing with grandma. vying for her attention, even jealous for it. grandma was first pick for both the boys when it came to reading stories, playing candyland, or who to sit next to at the table. stinkerbell still chose me...thank goodness!

they love their grandma. and i got to see that my own time with my kids was sorely lacking...i don't dig in nearly enough. i am usually just looking for things to occupy their time so i can do other things.

so. thank you, mother-in-law. even though i was apprehensive about your visit, you taught me something about being a better mom.

and i am glad i took the time to see the lesson you were teaching me.