the next next time

today was church. dad is out of town, so i am solo today. he is enjoying the beach and his family, who we live too far away from to visit with any regularity. i dropped off the oldest son and our onliest daughter in the alley next to the building so she wouldn't have to walk too far. walking makes the spasms in her vocal cords so much worse. she coughs eternal, it seems. this is new territory for us. way different than last years coughing spells. last year, when she stopped moving, the coughing ceased. now she can go for hours coughing at a rate of 60 coughs a minute. these episodes scare the crap out of me. this morning was no different.

we showed up to Sunday School at 10, ready to go, and coughing all the while. i had a quick discussion with her sunday school teachers, explaining the condition "Vocal Cord Dysfunction." i feel like i am talking into one of those microphones that alters your voice to sound like a circus tent announcer from the looks i receive. but they are gracious. most in the church are sympathetic pray-ers for my daughter, esp after i wrote a letter about 1.5 years ago to the congregation about the stinkerbell's asthma struggles. she coughs, it's her norm now, and we just have to go on with our lives. Sunday school went relatively well. the kids in her class (it's a small one) are used to her wearing a mask and don't skip a beat. she is pretty comfortable there. as her teacher said "she handles it really well." i am the one who handles it poorly. i hate seeing her cough and miss out on stuff or get looked at like she has some contagious disease.

church is another matter. we sit in the side room so that we aren't disturbing the quiet of the sanctuary. there are open arch windows between the two halls, so people can still hear her, just not as clearly. one lady gets up from our side and moves to the other room during the opening prayer. i guess the noise is too distracting for her. most, again, are generous. we get lots of "poor thing" and "we are praying for her" and "have you tried (fill in the blank with whatever is the latest oil trend)?" it gets exhausting and after we leave the sanctuary, i have to go to the bathroom to cry.

i so want this to be done. for her sake. it is exhausting for her little body physically to continue coughing with this intensity and regularity. it is exhausting for us as a family to keep explaining. to pretend the whispers and stares don't matter. to wait not knowing what will work and what won't. to realize i have been holding my breath when she coughs because i don't breathe until she stops coughing. it is exhausting not knowing what will set it off next time. it is exhausting waiting for the next next time.

Far, But Near

so i haven’t posted to this blog in a very long while.  but it has come to my attention, albeit in a sarcastic and quite unexpected email, that my (lack of) communication leaves some wanting.  in short, i haven’t done a very good job of balancing my home life with that of my extended family.  so, i am going to try to remedy that.  somehow.  not sure if this will work or not.  as i am just as busy as i ever was with being a wife, mom, RN, homeschooler, homemaker, and all the other tasks that are on my plate. 

but i am going to try. 

caveat:

please don’t hold me to a lofty expectation.  like posting every day (or week). or calling on the phone regularly.  or writing thank you notes on time (or even at all).  because i am just not good at that kind of thing.  i never have been.  getting married and having 4 children did not change that in me.  if anything, i am worse at it now than i ever have been.

please, don’t think that my lack of communication means i love you any less.  i have my regrets.  i know i didn’t do right by my uncle before he died.  i know i didn’t do enough with my grandmother before she died.  i know i could be calling more, or sacrificing more, or visiting more.

please, don’t let the burden be only on me. you are just as responsible for keeping in touch as i am.  and to be sure, if you found me lacking, maybe you should take the plank out of your own eye before pointing out mine. eh?

so. here goes.

and let me tell you.  i will not hide my faith any longer from you.  i will no longer shrink in fear that you won’t approve of my parenting skills, or my abilities as a wife.  my finances aren’t your business.  my church home isn’t your business.  if i choose to spend my free time with my husband instead of indulging in “me” time, that is my business also.  i am tired of trying to gloss over who i am just so you will accept me.  doesn’t work anyway.  i cannot pretend any longer that i am the daughter/sister you dream of.  sorry i disappoint so. 

whew.  now that is out of the way, let’s get on with filling you in on the details of our lives.  if you are brave enough.

birthday bouquet...

my only-est girl turned 4 recently, and instead of doing a traditional cake, i decided to give her a flower pot filled with sugar cookies!  she was thrilled with them, and it was super easy!

i started off using a package of sugar cookies from betty crocker, and made the recipe off the back for the cut-out cookies. (cheating, i know, but i was short on time).  at Easter time, i found a wilton cookie pan mold with flowers on it.  i filled the cookie tin with the cookie dough, stuck in the wilton cookie sticks at varying lengths and baked.  it was super easy!  and they came out beautifully once they cooled a bit.

i enlisted the help of daddy to decorate her flower pot, which i got at wal-mart for $3.99.  he painted it with fireworks, flowers, fish, and a happy birthday sign along the top. i am glad he is artistic, because my painting would have been disastrous.

why the face?  because of this:

there wasn’t any way he could fix it!

next i mad rice krispie treats and molded them into the pot.  in retrospect, i should have used cocoa krispies to look more like dirt, but this worked.

i positioned some extra cookie sticks in the treats so that i wouldn’t have to force the actual cookies into hardened treats.  i am very glad i did this, because i probably would have broken a cookie or two trying to get them in.

i decorated the cookies with various brands of cookie icing.  quick drying proved to be the easiest to work with.  they didn’t turn out too badly, although i think my creativity lacked immensely.

stinkerbell loved the way they smelled!! (who doesn’t love the fragrance of sugar cookies?) she kept ‘sniffing’ her bouquet!

everyone enjoyed eating them.  they were HUGE, though.  way more sugar in one sitting than my kids are used to.  they had to go run it off outside for about 2 hours!

all in all, a success, i think!  if you decide to make these, would you link to my blog and let me see them?  i would love to have new ideas for the next time.

linking to Mingle Monday today with Robyn at addapinch.com

Homemaking, not to be feared!!

i am excited for the launch of Raising Homemakers! i think i am going to learn a lot from this site. even though stinkerbell is coming up on 3 years old, i know i could be doing more to encourage her growth as a woman of Christ! check out the site if you have any daughters!!