gathering manna

i struggle with being a bad mother. i mean, really who walks around thinking they are really a great mom? i want to meet you if you do!! i lost it the other day on my 3 yr old because he had yet another potty accident. these have become a daily occurrence since his hospital stay in december. (i have called the doctor about it, and they said it was probably just trauma related to the hospital stay). i know i should not have gotten upset, but it is driving me nuts! esp since i keep sending him to the bathroom every hour and he announces "no yellow" every time. ugh...i have so little patience with my kids lately. is this a result of my own shortcomings? absolutely. i have been hit from all sides lately with the need for daily devotional time with the Lord. my cbs study last week had a great way of putting it (and i am going to paraphrase it because it is not right next to me): God's grace, mercy and leading are like manna, they have to be gathered fresh every morning. wow. like manna. manna was the only thing the israelites ate (that and the big shower of quail). they were only to gather what they needed for the day, anything more would spoil. on the 6th day they gathered enough for days 6 and 7 so that they could observe the sabbath. (i have to go back and research this, but i think the only 'holiday' they observed during the 40 years in the desert was the sabbath..not passover, any of the feasts. just the sabbath).

i need to gather manna. i need to depend on the Word as if it were (because it is) the only source of sustenance for my life. i don't need to know everything in the Bible today...just what God has given me for today. what a freeing concept. i don't have to know everything in it to live by it. the Holy Spirit will guide me if i ask Him to. the manna is there for me to gather it in. i don't have to go anywhere to look for it. He has provided it to me, just as He promised. Praise God.

as for me and being a bad mother? nothing else in this world has been able to show me my need for a Savior. i make mistakes with my kids all the time, and i hope i have been able to use the opportunity to show them the gospel. because honestly, that is what they need from me. they need the basics of food, shelter and a lot of love...but they need to know Jesus loves them more than i ever could. and that this house on earth is not their home. they are strangers here and will be at odds with many they come across in this world. i am still a bad mother. i don't consider myself good enough to be a mommy...but God has seen fit to write my name is His Book...and i need to stop taking advantage of it.

the trials of a mother

i shouldn't complain. i have 3 beautiful children. they are my life, really. but i don't treasure them as i should. i complain when they interrupt my time. not out loud, of course. not in so many words, anyway. i get short with them. impatient. lately i have been really losing my temper with them and raising my voice over little things that shouldn't get to me. i am frustrated with myself. i am not a very good mother. but i know that, by the grace of God, i can be a mother that desires to follow God. i so long to be a woman after God's own heart. and i fall so short. i am weak. i am angry. and not with a just anger. i cannot control my own pride. i cannot be humble. i cannot make myself lower than a servant. i cannot be a nobody. i long to be somebody. i long to succeed by the world's standards. and yet, as i hang onto all of these worldly, flesh-loving attributes, i put up a stumbling block before the Lord, my God. i work in complete opposition to Him.

thank goodness for grace. i need the grace of the Lord to survive myself. i want to desire Him, in all His glory to be glorified in my life. i want to be a slave. to Him. for His desires to be my desires.

i want to be a better mother. i need to be a better servant first. i need to be humble.

lonely

tonight, i am utterly alone. my husband is gone to our small group and i am home because we have a sick child running a ridiculously high fever. so i feel alone. i just read the post of a friend from an old life and i was moved to tears by her transparency in desiring to be a godly mom but feeling as though she isn't up to the task most days. the refreshing thing about it is that she IS up to the task because she knows she is not enough all on her own. and so i fight the desire in my heart to do IT on my own. again..i need to be on my knees in prayer to empty me of myself. because i am not filled with Him.. i am His, i know that. but my candle burns very dimly. my darkness is ever encompassing and i feel alone. i know He is there if i would just reach out to Him. why is it so hard to reach? i cannot even let the tears fall, lest i be overcome with the NEED for Him to be everything. i am nothing...yet He loves me still. amazing. humbling. enough.