getting back there...

lately, i have been sort of missing in action from family life.

i am here physically, but mentally and emotionally, and.. well, especially spiritually, i kind of checked out.

the last few months have been especially hard on all of us. 

we have had so many major stressors in the last year or so, and i think everything just tumbled down onto me at once. 

see, i am really good at pushing the worries and stress way down deep.  but then, as all good volcanoes do, i erupt and pour hot molten lava on everything (and everyone) in my path, leaving a trail of destruction.

i have done lots of damage these last few months in particular.  i had to return to work full time and that was a big adjustment.  the KISA has been working to get his business off the ground, but the only time he can work is when i am not working, so our marriage has taken a hit or two.

it feels like we are in crisis management mode and on auto pilot.

the groceries got so far down the other day, we were out of just about everything.

and i can’t figure out how to get back..

back to where i loved God and prayed to Him and depended on Him. 

back to where i liked my kids and my husband. 

back to where i wanted to do more than eat and lay around and do nothing but watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy (i know, i am really laying it all out there for ya).

back to where my prayer journal had prayers in it. 

and my gratitude list was full of gifts.

back to where i looked forward to spending the evening with my husband.

back to where my smile was genuine, and lit up my face.

maybe i need to stop lamenting about what i left behind and look forward to what is ahead.  it is just that the path seems so gray.  not dark or light... just full of fog. 

God hasn’t left me.  i cannot blame Him.  but somehow, i have to find my way to Him. 

Daybook

Outside my window...it hasn’t decided whether or not it is going to rain.  it keeps getting cloudy and windy, but nothing happens.

i am thankful for... our neighbor, karen, who dropped off a coloring book for the kids this morning.  she is incredibly thoughtful and has left gifts at our door before for them, always biblically oriented.

from the learning room... i downloaded a bunch of worksheets and such for stinkerbell to do in school this week, focused on the letter B.  she loves working with dry erase markers and scissors.  i used almost a whole printer cartridge printing them out.  *sigh*

from the kitchen... crumb topped tilapia tonight with mashed potatoes (kids aren’t too thrilled with rice) and fruit

i am wearing... jeans and my eeyore sweatshirt.  it is cold in here today

i am creating... lesson plans in my head.  more grandiose ideas that probably won’t come to fruition because i am horrible at follow through

i am going... to take tic tac to the dentist, pick up my paperwork at HR and then try to clean stinkerbell’s closet!

i am reading... 31 days to clean.

i am hoping and praying... that this new job change is going to be all we hope from it.

i am hearing... children dancing in the living room to “Elijah” and the Singing Bible

around the house... are small piles of laundry, toys and dishes.  the norm.  the dining room table is covered in stinkerbell’s school supplies and the kitchen cupboards have children’s artwork all over them.  i think my father must have a heart attack when he comes over. 

one of my favorite things... when my dad drives up for a visit.  he always brings a dozen or so doughnuts and we sit down, have a doughnut and a cup of coffee before he runs his errands. 

a few plans for the rest of the week...i have new hire orientation wed-fri and then i work in the ER on sunday.  we will be able to go to church in the morning, though.  i am looking forward to going to church every week instead of every other. 

i am rejoicing... that God has allowed me to have a quieter voice this week.  i feel that i have managed to hold my tongue better than usual.  i did lose it a couple of times, but i was able to reign it in before i got too loud.  i am really trying to stop yelling at the kids.  it doesn’t do anyone any good.

here is a picture thought:

he has been climbing into any open box/basket... then getting stuck!

have a wonderful week!

linking up to simple woman’s daybook. 

simple woman’s daybook

how i wish life were simple.  things are just way too crazy for words most days, let alone thinking.  i cannot even seem to come up with an original thought these days.  conversations are constantly interrupted, children are always bickering, laundry is always mutiplying, messes are always being discovered (they are too sly to make them in front of me anymore), dishwashers are breaking, basements are backing up, and someone is always sick.

on the flip side, squeezy hugs from mommy are always in high demand, tickle practice is a must, the chaos means my children are still young enough for me to have some influence (please, God, let it be positive), our furniture and carpet aren’t new and can handle 4 kids and a dog, the 6-tooth wonder can melt me with his big magoo grin, jigsaw puzzles are more fun with several people, and there are plenty of opportunities to show my children how much i need Jesus as my Savior and to point them to the gospel so that they can see their need as well.

so, for today...

outside my window...

there is a gentle breeze making the swings move in time.  the yard in nicely shaded now that the trees have gotten their leaves in

i am thinking...

that i am grateful my husband cancelled small group tonight.  i don’t think i have enough energy to get the house up to ‘company’ level while battling this head cold

i am thankful for...

our ROKU player and Netflix account.  they are providing moments of peace and quiet, commercial free, so that i can rest

from the learning room...

not much the last few days.  this head cold has left me pretty useless.  i even have laryngitis so i cannot read anything aloud.  pretty much means school isn’t happening since our curriculum is driven mostly by going through read alouds

from the kitchen...

i need to cook tonight, so i will be making another e-mealz recipe.  so far we have really enjoyed the recipes from our subscription.  tonight it is a chicken pasta toss with pesto

i am wearing...

capris and a mickey mouse tee

i am going...

absolutely nowhere.  this upper respiratory thing is kicking my butt

i am reading...

 i just started ann voskamp’s book.  i have been counting my gifts for a while, but i think my lists are going to be changing after reading her book

i am praying...

for a little boy named isaac who had to be rushed to the ER on mother’s day for respiratory distress.  he is thankfully doing better today, but is still in the hospital.

i am hearing...

Life at the Pond on our HisKids radio while everyone eats their tuesday tortillas

around the house...

evidence of small children... a sinkful of dishes, toys scattered around the living room and on the stairs, a stray sippy cup with questionable contents, a dog under the table picking up the cheerios that the baby throws down for her.

one of my favorite things...

see above

a few plans for the rest of the week...

work tomorrow and then the weekend, get better (!) and get my voice back (like i have any say in this whatsoever), cook, clean and all the other household tasks that need done

here is a picture thought