i am struggling right now with all that is going on in our lives. so many changes afoot, and i have yet to process through them. we went to our small group the other night and i got some fresh perspective on the whole "move." our pastor has been leading our group and he said some very encouraging things. one of which was (paraphrased, of course):
now that the decision has been made to move, embrace it fully and look forward to what God is going to do with you in your next season.
hmmm. good advice.
i have been wallowing in the loss. the loss of friendships that have taken time to forge. the loss of a phenomenal church body who has rallied around us like nobodies business. the loss of job. the loss of my SAHM status (i was really beginning to love that status!). just, the loss.
what i need to do is refocus on what HE has in store for us. new jobs, new (old) home, new (old) friendships, new schedules, new (old) bible studies.
renewed strength. renewed faith.
i am still at a loss for how i am going to manage homeschooling and a full-time job. three nights a week, sleep time, and managing a home are pretty much going to wipe me out. my KISA is awesome at helping out, but he has to work, too. this juggling act is going to feel like i am tossing up too many torches and if i drop one it is going to burn like the dickens.
but, i am determined.
determined that i will meet this season head-on. that we will continue homeschooling because it is our only choice. public school is NOT an option for us. it may not always be pretty. and we may not get out to do all the fun field trips that we wanted to do. and we may not get to do all the crafts and hands-on stuff we want to do. but we will do it. because i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
it doesn't say 'some' things. it says all things. and i believe our family has been called to be a home-educated family. so He will help me do this.
i am determined.
i just don't know what it is going to look like.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
avoidance and change
i have been avoiding my blog.
we have so much going on right now, i have not wanted to stop and process it.
everything seems to be coming to a head, and i do NOT want to stop and think.
cuz it hurts.
changes are coming and they are drastic.
i guess i shouldn't complain too much about this one. at least we have a place to go to instead of just losing our home and having to rent (which we couldn't qualify for now anyway) or live with some kind-hearted soul who doesn't mind my four VERY loud kids. we know we have church family here who would open their doors in a heartbeat, but that always proves to strain friendships over time.
we kept our home in colorado, and so we are able to pick up and move back.
this is a good thing for a lot of reasons. we will have a bigger house with a full basement and a huge utility area with an oversized 2 car garage. best thing about the house is the YARD!! the development we live in here has very little yard with NO landscaping. we have huge trees in our other home and a play structure and bushes and, according to the boys, the best part is the snails, slugs and worms that can be found year round :)
at least the kids are excited!
i have to go back to work full-time. at least for now. the KISA is starting a CFO business, and it will take a while to get it going. although, at least in CO he already has a great network. and it seems like it is all about who you know. he has a good head start there. here it is like being a minnow in a huge ocean with thousands of other minnows all looking for the same food (yes, i know there are lots of problems with that analogy). the competition there is a lot less numerous.
i am at odds with this change #2. i am heartbroken that i will not be at home 24-7 to care for my children. i feel fortunate that my KISA will be home when i am not, but that is still not a replacement for MOMMY. i am grateful that i am an RN and jobs are easier to find (not as easy as it used to be, but it is still easier than most professions). i am hoping to work at the same hospital i did several years ago.
i have laid my desires at the foot of the cross, however, and i am trusting that HE knows more than me, and that HE will bring us through this. we will be stronger on the other side. i will have more faith in HIS provision. my husband will know that i will stick by him, just like our vows said : for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.
as i sort through more, i will probably post more. forgive the crazy ramblings. if i don't make a whole lot of sense, well, that is because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
change #1 brings about a whole host of other problems with it:
and a NEED to grow closer to the Father... i cannot let the busy-ness of this time rob me of what is most important.
i am sure there is so much more, but i cannot wrap my heart around it yet, let alone my head.
we have so much going on right now, i have not wanted to stop and process it.
everything seems to be coming to a head, and i do NOT want to stop and think.
cuz it hurts.
changes are coming and they are drastic.
change #1. we are relocating. not just changing houses, but across a few states.
i guess i shouldn't complain too much about this one. at least we have a place to go to instead of just losing our home and having to rent (which we couldn't qualify for now anyway) or live with some kind-hearted soul who doesn't mind my four VERY loud kids. we know we have church family here who would open their doors in a heartbeat, but that always proves to strain friendships over time.
we kept our home in colorado, and so we are able to pick up and move back.
this is a good thing for a lot of reasons. we will have a bigger house with a full basement and a huge utility area with an oversized 2 car garage. best thing about the house is the YARD!! the development we live in here has very little yard with NO landscaping. we have huge trees in our other home and a play structure and bushes and, according to the boys, the best part is the snails, slugs and worms that can be found year round :)
at least the kids are excited!
change #2
i have to go back to work full-time. at least for now. the KISA is starting a CFO business, and it will take a while to get it going. although, at least in CO he already has a great network. and it seems like it is all about who you know. he has a good head start there. here it is like being a minnow in a huge ocean with thousands of other minnows all looking for the same food (yes, i know there are lots of problems with that analogy). the competition there is a lot less numerous.
i am at odds with this change #2. i am heartbroken that i will not be at home 24-7 to care for my children. i feel fortunate that my KISA will be home when i am not, but that is still not a replacement for MOMMY. i am grateful that i am an RN and jobs are easier to find (not as easy as it used to be, but it is still easier than most professions). i am hoping to work at the same hospital i did several years ago.
i have laid my desires at the foot of the cross, however, and i am trusting that HE knows more than me, and that HE will bring us through this. we will be stronger on the other side. i will have more faith in HIS provision. my husband will know that i will stick by him, just like our vows said : for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.
as i sort through more, i will probably post more. forgive the crazy ramblings. if i don't make a whole lot of sense, well, that is because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
change #1 brings about a whole host of other problems with it:
- being nearer to my family (parents and sib)
- leaving a solid, reformed church with genuine worship
- leaving an amazing support system that has lifted us up in all ways imaginable
- new homeschooling laws
- less homeschooling support
- a need to be WAY more organized so that our schooling doesn't fall behind
- a need to be a better housekeeper and meal planner so that life continues smoothly
- a need to declutter and pack and throw away and give away
and a NEED to grow closer to the Father... i cannot let the busy-ness of this time rob me of what is most important.
i am sure there is so much more, but i cannot wrap my heart around it yet, let alone my head.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
the gift from my Father...
the other day was hard for my 5 year old. he has a temper that steamrolls. he mows down anyone or anything in his path and then it gets even worse as the consequences start. we have had this problem for some time, and have recently devoted it to regular prayer.
i am sure you can picture it. we told him to leave the table where his older sib and daddy were playing a game because he kept bumping the board pieces.
so he started by stomping. that earned him a sit-down on the stool to cool-off. not happening. he sat down on the stool and started making up curse words to spit at us through clenched teeth and grabbed the sides of the stool and started making it jump underneath him and moving it across the floor.
we then sent him to the laundry area to calm down before the rest of his consequence was delivered, and he decided he would pick up the trash can and throw it, then the bathroom door got slammed against the wall, and the bathroom rug was pulled out from underneath the bathroom stool with great force. seriously?
this all occurred in the grand total of 20 seconds, so i think we just watched with our mouths open in shock. it took a little while to register what happened.
we disciplined him and then he had to spend the afternoon in his room. i went up to talk with him, bible in hand, and we read some out of Prov 17 and 18. several of the verses applied and we talked them over. then we prayed and he asked if he could go down and apologize to daddy for his attitude. by all means!! he has the hardest time apologizing without falling down in fear, so i was excited to see him want to 'make it right' without any prompting from me.
fast forward to dinner. as the KISA is praying for dinner, bonobo gets out of his chair and onto the bench. i start to chastise him when i realize what he is doing.
he kneels on the bench, folds his hands, and leans over to put his forehead on the bench.
rewind to our talk on his bedroom floor. he had asked me if this (the position i described above) was a good way to pray. i told him it was, and that it showed humility before our Lord.
fast forward again.
my son wants to be on his knees and face before God while we give thanks for our dinner.
i teared up.
then the tears fell. (the kids were pretty baffled about why i was crying over meatballs)
they are falling now as i write this.
we so worry about our 5 year old's heart before the Lord. he just seems so angry all the time. so rebellious. so defiant. not wanting anyone in authority over him.
and yet. God gave me a glimpse of how He is working in our son's life and heart.
just as we have asked Him to do.
thank you, Lord, for being faithful to answer prayers and showing us in tangible ways how you are working.
i am sure you can picture it. we told him to leave the table where his older sib and daddy were playing a game because he kept bumping the board pieces.
so he started by stomping. that earned him a sit-down on the stool to cool-off. not happening. he sat down on the stool and started making up curse words to spit at us through clenched teeth and grabbed the sides of the stool and started making it jump underneath him and moving it across the floor.
we then sent him to the laundry area to calm down before the rest of his consequence was delivered, and he decided he would pick up the trash can and throw it, then the bathroom door got slammed against the wall, and the bathroom rug was pulled out from underneath the bathroom stool with great force. seriously?
this all occurred in the grand total of 20 seconds, so i think we just watched with our mouths open in shock. it took a little while to register what happened.
we disciplined him and then he had to spend the afternoon in his room. i went up to talk with him, bible in hand, and we read some out of Prov 17 and 18. several of the verses applied and we talked them over. then we prayed and he asked if he could go down and apologize to daddy for his attitude. by all means!! he has the hardest time apologizing without falling down in fear, so i was excited to see him want to 'make it right' without any prompting from me.
fast forward to dinner. as the KISA is praying for dinner, bonobo gets out of his chair and onto the bench. i start to chastise him when i realize what he is doing.
he kneels on the bench, folds his hands, and leans over to put his forehead on the bench.
rewind to our talk on his bedroom floor. he had asked me if this (the position i described above) was a good way to pray. i told him it was, and that it showed humility before our Lord.
fast forward again.
my son wants to be on his knees and face before God while we give thanks for our dinner.
i teared up.
then the tears fell. (the kids were pretty baffled about why i was crying over meatballs)
they are falling now as i write this.
we so worry about our 5 year old's heart before the Lord. he just seems so angry all the time. so rebellious. so defiant. not wanting anyone in authority over him.
and yet. God gave me a glimpse of how He is working in our son's life and heart.
just as we have asked Him to do.
thank you, Lord, for being faithful to answer prayers and showing us in tangible ways how you are working.
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