a new...everything

we did it.
we moved again.

in june 2016 we visited some military friends of ours in texas.  we spent just a few days with them, but i think the area really suited my KISA. fast forward 2 months, and we were talking about a tentative week for him to come out and network a bit to see if what he was dreaming was even plausible. he traveled out to dallas for a week, and he was sold. he came home, contacted a realtor, and the next thing i knew, i was in the lone star state with the stinkerbell looking at homes. by the end of that weekend, we had an accepted offer and the plans were well underway to moving.

we left in may 2017. lots of details that didn't come together, lots of tears shed over friendships that would now be long distance-facebook friends. leaving a job i had had for 7 years. no job in place in the new city. traffic from the depths of sheol. no more mountains. no more snow. stifling heat and humidity.

all the unknowns.
where will i work?
will the kids make new friends?
will the KISA's business plan work?
how will we afford the mortgage?
will we *ever* have a saving's account?
what will we do if stinkerbell's health acts up again?
what will CAP be like in texas?
will our CC community be welcoming?
will we find a church?

the KISA stayed at our home to get it ready to sell...soooooo much work on him to paint, fix, paint some more... only to have it under contract less than 72 hours after it went on the market and closed one month from that.

i started a job in a much busier ER. traumas, strokes, heart attacks, neuro, you name it.  i signed a 2 year contract and took a bonus, so no matter how much i like it (or don't), i am stuck for 24 months. i am counting down the months....

the kids have made some friends... all but stinkerbell. my social butterfly hasn't really made any good friends yet. our CC group has been fine, but all the girls already have their friends and don't seem to have room for another. it brings her to tears often.  we are praying for a sweet friend for her.

the mortgage is getting paid.... i am honestly not sure how. i feel like the widow with the endless oil. somehow the bills are getting covered every month. we just added a car payment (that's a whole other blog post, if i do it without completely throwing my husband under the bus) to the mix...one more thing to worry about.

no. we will never have a savings account. not at this rate.

stinkerbell's health is good thus far. no ER visits. no VCD. no flu... thanking the LORD!

CAP is good here.  tictac has promoted several times, has made several friends, and is eager to go to a special activity over the summer in addition to an encampment.

our new CC family is good.  i feel like i cannot really get to know anyone because our community is HUGE. something like 29 families, i think.  i haven't been able to participate much with the mom's events because i am almost always working. work also keeps me from being at community day a lot, so the KISA has to sit in for me. homeschooling, in general, is trucking along.  i always feel i am not doing enough, though.  thankfully, the kids all excel without my interference, lol.

the church we are attending has been so welcoming and the church family kind and caring. they helped us out of a bind after we first arrived. it was so hard asking for help right out of the chute, but it was so needed. the KISA got some nasty poison oak/sumac/ivy/something right after arriving here while doing some yard work.  it went waaaaay out of control, with swelling all over, weeping skin, antibiotics (twice), steroids, and several days in bed.  our priests visited our home to anoint him and give him communion, as well as providing us with some monetary support.

i wish i could say i was content here in texas. i am trying to be content. but i am so far off the mark with my spiritual life that nothing brings me solace. i need to get back on track, but i have no drive to do so. i feel depressed, anxious, worried all the time. i feel like i am treading water. i feel like i can't complain or even whimper because then my husband feels like it is all his fault. this stinks. i so want to be free of this dankness.

the year

aww. crap.
i have done it again.
thought many times over about writing something.
composed a few in my head, even.
searched long and hard for an app that would work on blogger from my phone.
then kept on with daily life without posting a thing.
sigh.

so much has happened over the last year.
the stinkerbell got a diagnosis of Vocal Cord Dysfunction.
craziness, but controllable.
many kudos to the speech pathologist and ENT doctor who set us on the right path.
it was a long and tedious road, but we have finally mastered the trick to keeping the spasms under control.
finally!  (and there was much rejoicing!)

i went back to work full time, up from the prn routine. i forgot just how hard it is to work a full time job and homeschool and take care of the house and be a good wife and mom on top of it all.

we decided to move. two states away.
and we are moving in 6 weeks! eek.
ask me how many boxes i have packed.
two.

i have a final date at work. the kids have had their eyes checked. the dental appt is scheduled. the cat will get fixed (finally).

i am stressed.
i think we will just leave and no one's life will be interrupted.
have we been just a blip here? one day we are here, and then, gone. and no one will be different for us being in their lives.
i feel like i am a noncontributor to the lives around me.
i am sad thinking we won't be missed.
i am scared to death that i won't make friends where we move.
i am scared no one will like me.
that my coworkers will hate me.
that my husband's business plan will fail.
that we won't find a church.

Lord, have mercy. i am soooo caught up in the worry that i cannot enjoy the time i have left here.

...all the time

the last several weeks have had their ups and downs.  a daughter who has a chronic illness that impacts just about everything we do.  a father who had to jump off an overturning ATV, only to roll down a steep embankment, job insecurities, strained relationships, a family vacation, friends who jump to when we are in need (even when we don't know we need it).

and through all of it... God IS good.  all.  the.  time.

HE has never left us.  even though i often don't stand by Him.
HE has always loved us.  even though i don't love Him.
HE has never faltered.  even though i fail Him daily.
HE has always remained steadfast.  even though i ebb and flow like the tide.
HE will always be there.  even though i constantly rely on me.
HE is.

all the time.