lonely

tonight, i am utterly alone. my husband is gone to our small group and i am home because we have a sick child running a ridiculously high fever. so i feel alone. i just read the post of a friend from an old life and i was moved to tears by her transparency in desiring to be a godly mom but feeling as though she isn't up to the task most days. the refreshing thing about it is that she IS up to the task because she knows she is not enough all on her own. and so i fight the desire in my heart to do IT on my own. again..i need to be on my knees in prayer to empty me of myself. because i am not filled with Him.. i am His, i know that. but my candle burns very dimly. my darkness is ever encompassing and i feel alone. i know He is there if i would just reach out to Him. why is it so hard to reach? i cannot even let the tears fall, lest i be overcome with the NEED for Him to be everything. i am nothing...yet He loves me still. amazing. humbling. enough.

Empty me of ME

this morning during a CBS lecture i was reminded of a time when i used to pray for God to empty me of myself. it was a plea to remind me to get out of the way and let God work in me, and not try to force things on my own. lately i am trying to force things on my own. okay, not lately...pretty much always. i constantly try to do things the way I want to without first seeking the counsel of God or the Holy Spirit. i am constantly disappointed. i am disappointed because i place expectations on God that are unrealistic or expect Him to do things that He never said He would do. if it isn't in His Word, i know it isn't from Him. but, how often do i just bypass that whole scene and try to manipulate things into working out of sheer willpower. and again...how often am i disappointed.

i am new to this area we live in now. we moved here a few months ago, and i feel as though if i give in to the loneliness i will have to admit defeat. i will have to admit that i am not strong enough to do it on my own. that i am powerless. i don't have the ability to open doors of friendship all by myself. that i have not obeyed Him with all of my heart and therefore have exactly what i deserve. ok...not exactly what i deserve. i deserve eternal death apart from the One who has saved me from the depths of my sin. i deserve so much worse than is currently sitting on the doorsteps of my heart. the loneliness is mine in the making. i have isolated myself and in doing so have alienated the ones who love me on earth as well as grieved my Heavenly Father. i am not strong. i am weak. i am defeated. i have nothing without Christ.

so why is it so hard to let Him be in ME? why can't i just let go...empty me of me...so that He can fill me. so that He can guide me.